Blog entry for:

where once i was ruled by self-will, now i am guided by my goodwill for others. i am living in recovery, not in addiction. so as i sit here this pondering and ruminating over what is going on inside of me, i have two separate yet intertwined thoughts. the first is about replacing self-will with selflessness, by doing the right thing without an expectation of reward. and the second is amazement and gratitude, that even someone like me, who is strongly rooted in self will and lives to be self-centered can have such a profound change in his life. then of course there is in the nature of my work with others over the past few days, that i hear the words i said to them, coming home to roost in my mind. so all in all, quite a lot to sort out and deal with as i sit here pounding away at this particular entry.
so where to start? well, i believe i will start with what i have been saying and go from there. yesterday as i sat with one of the men i sponsor, i had to ask him what his step work was all about. he went on for several paragraphs about what others think based on his observation, but what did it have to do with him? so what does that have to do with me? well i have been going on and on about the addicts in my life and just recently getting back to my stuff, which is to accept that the relationship i desire is not going to be a reality, and move on. the quicker i accept that fact and surrender to it, the easier my life will be. then on Saturday, told a sponsee it was time for him to stop being so fVcking unique, and get over himself. yes his life was almost tragic, and yes it may be enough to contemplate suicide, but dammit, it not enough to think that using is a good idea or will solve anything. although i am not thinking about using, i am thinking about shopping, a behavior i know that will change the way i feel. so instead of acting out, what am i feeling? regret for one, i want something i cannot have, and it is unacceptable to me to fall back into the sort of relationship that i was a part of. confusion, for another, people are not acting i n a manner that i understand lately. it is not that they are unpredictable, it is that i just do not get it. and a bit of fear about the future. not that i am worrying, but i am starting to get concerned and i feel the need to go out and fix something dammit! i have to remember that like the sponsee who i addressed last week, i am entitled to absolutely nothing, and the sooner vi get over my bad self, the better i will be.
it is ironic, that some who is as self-centered as i was, could even harbor the idea that the world does not spin around him, and as i sit here making the transition into the second thought, i am struck by the fact that most of my feelings have to do with others and my interactions with them. that is not the sort of man i was when i walked in here, i did not appear to care what i did to others as long as i got mine, and i did, over and over again, and when i had gotten all i could, i moved on. there is a part of me, that thinks that moving on, may be a good thing right now. the part of me that is a bit more spiritual remembers that no matter where i go, i always take the weather with me, so as the program i ascribe to follow suggests, it is time for me just to sit down and be present for what is going on around me, as well as inside of me. that feeling i had last week of something tremendous about to happen inside of mew, has yet to subside, and perhaps the anticipation of that event or non-event is triggering all this introspection.
so finally it is doing what is right with no expectation of reward that will keep me out of self, allow my self-obsession to be replaced with something better, and keep my feet on the ground. so it is time to hit the showers and get ready to face my day. i am certain that there is enough for me to do today, so that shopping is not an issue.

∞ DT ∞