Blog entry for:

of addiction, by applying a few spiritual principles, as given to me by my peers and associates in the program, was not exactly what i had in mind, way back when i first got started. no as i have said before, all i wanted was a way out. i wanted an easier, softer landing than i foresaw and the program looked like my chance to get that. in all honesty, it has hardly been easier or softer, but what i have today is worth the price i paid for it, in my blood, sweat and tears.
doing the next right thing, always seemed like a zero sum game to me, as it always came down to what its in it for me. i was more than a bit self-centered when i got clean and had a few decades of learning how to manipulate the odds in my favor, regardless of the cost in the long run. it was always about what i could get NOW and f*ck the future. deferring any sort of gratification was not in my repertoire and when i had to learn how “not to use” between meetings, i was very rebellious and skeptical, as i never believed i could even accomplish that little bit of this recovery gig.
when it came to serving the fellowship, i was still looking for the pay-off, and doing the next right thing for the right reasons, was not part of that calculus. i took on an identity and wore it rather well, for fat too long. today, as i prepare to wrap this up and head over to my home group, i have time to contemplate on how i can demonstrate goodwill, today. i have the time to let go of who i think i want you too see me as and just be who i am, just for today. if some goodwill comes out of that, well that has to be coming from the POWER that fuels my recovery. as i am, still more than a little self-centered and manipulative.

∞ DT ∞