Blog entry for:

with perseverance, for me anyhow, means that i do not stop my forward progress, just because things get a bit tougher than i like. i have to admit, that the past couple of weeks have been certainly been lesson after lesson about moving forward, no matter what. although i am loathe to admit it, my climb to the top of Africa was filled with self-doubt and angst about the hardship it was wreaking upon my physical self. it is true that my right leg injuries were exacerbated and that i had a bout of “gastrointestinal distress” as a result of that trek. the real culprit however, was my own conscious self, starting to believe that i was incapable of persevering through to the top and wondering how i could get a “medical” ride to the bottom. i tired of the physical effort, the cold, the rain, the shortness of breath and the “need” to press on, no matter what. the reality of the situation is that i made it, with the unsolicited help of the team of guides that were leading our party. the whole trek was one of the hardest tasks i have ever undertaken, but swallowing my pride and accepting the help i was offered, was almost as tough. even after a minute clean, i was worried about what others might think of me and hesitated to accept any help, preferring to martyr myself on the altar of “looking good.”
the past three days off from work, as i started getting my Mom's affairs in order, were also days i needed to get back into the correct time zone, to give my body the opportunity to throw off the “bugs” i accumulated over the course of my journey and ease back into my life as a family member and a practicing participant in my spiritual journey. as my leg heals and i get started on doing the next right thing for my physical self, i know that i have enough lessons in the benefits of persevering, versus, quitting. when i came to recovery, unless it was all about finding the ways and means, when things got tough, i stopped dead in my tracks, justifying that i really did not want to do that after all. a steady diet of sour grapes and cynicism, kept me down, and none of that was the fault of anyone else, it was all me. i may still have a strong cynical streak, but i no longer live under the illusion that if it is difficult, i should just avoid doing it, after all, i got clean, quit smoking cigarettes and continue to rock a path of daily recovery, even when it feels that the world is against me.
today? well today., i have to get some work done, be present for my family as they grieve my Mom and take care of myself, and not necessarily in that order. when all else fails and i miss the opportunity to be okay with what is, i will need to fall back on the notion that i do “know” what the next right thing to do is, all i have to do is stop thinking and start feeling my way through, just for today.

∞ DT ∞