Blog entry for:

**doing the right thing for the right reason**
so there are a couple of ways i can go with this topic this morning. i am going to choose the most obvious one, and perhaps the more subtle one will kick in as i get some words down on the page, as it were.
i was told when i came in, that addiction is a malady that is centered on self. i know self-interest is part of the human condition and i have come to accept that active addiction morphed that self-interest into a whole new level, although looking around at the world today that may be a stretch. social commentary about self-absorption aside, i can accept that i came to recovery with my perspective about myself and my place in the world severely twisted. although i was and still am spiritually sick, the program provides me the means to move beyond my absorption with self. the trick, for me, was learning to recognize exactly how self-centered i really had become. that was tricky, because of course my denial structure had be constructed in such a manner that it blocked my view of reality, and the little bit that managed to seep through that structure was so altered through that passage that it hardly was accurate. how in the world was i going to be rid of self-obsession, when i could not see that i was self-obsessed.
the answer was service to the fellowship, but my motives for doing service were more than a little suspect, back then, it was doing the the next right thing because it made me look better. there is however, a paradox in the program that i can behave my way into better thinking. hanging out and doing service with members that had been doing this gig when i got here, showed me all sorts of stuff, about motives and personal recovery programs. what i learned the most, was that as i gave of myself, for whatever reasons or motives, i began to dismantle that denial structure that kept me away from getting the gifts that recovery had to offer. watching the joy others got, from serving with what appeared to be pure motives, began to take its toll on my self-absorption and allow some recovery to seep in through those cracks.
it still has taken lots of work and time to remove those self-serving motives for serving the fellowship that has given me this new way of life. in fact i have had to learn how to serve incognito. doing the right thing, even when no one can see me doing the right thing, and that too, has been a valuable lesson for me.
yes i am still selfish and self-centered, case in point, the vanity of writing this sort of thing and posting it on the internet. yes, i still do the next right thing for the wrong reasons. while both of those assertions are true, what is also true, is that as the number of days that i live in active recovery increase, those statements become less true. i know that hoping that those two statements become totally false is a waste of time, so i adjust the limits of my hope just slightly. as i practice a program of active recovery, i will act less and less out of self-interest and more and more out of goodwill.
with that thought in mind…

∞ DT ∞