Some memes

a more flexible and open approach to new ideas, was certainly not something i could see when i arrived at the doors of my first meeting. even though i had no idea what to expect, the whole Twelve Step paradigm was something i knew nothing about, but i was fairly certain it was something that was not for me. with that sort of attitude and a huge chip on my shoulder, it is amazing that it only took me seven months to get clean and another eighteen months after that to finally submit myself to the recovery process. today, one might say that it was a good thing that this addict did not leave until the miracle of pulling his head out of his ass, occurred, but i often forget what the wearying desperation i kept at bay through denial and distraction, actually felt like. this morning, ,as i finish my weekly chores and prepare to go hang in a dark, smoke-filled, air-conditioned lounge, i can be thankful that when i was finally ready, i was really ready to cease fighting and accept this recovery gig, as is, warts, GOD and all.
i have never been a quick study in recovery and it took the better part of another fifteen years before i finally let go of a HIGHER POWER that was not and would never work for me and embraced the spiritual path that i find myself upon these days. the biggest obstacle for me to find this path was my FEAR of being different from my peers. in my head i saw “different” as “bad” and lived my life forever doing my best to not be “different.” it still took a few more years before i let go of that notion, even though from the very beginning i was told that to recover, i had to do what they did, not look and act as they did.
i am content and mostly happy today and even have found a path to forgive myself for my youthful relationship with Sol. that relationship may have helped me to form a malignant melanoma, but was more than likely not the only factor, as i will see as time progresses. yes i was young and dumb. yes, i protect myself better from the damage sunshine does to my body, but i still will exercise outside, climb mountains and hang with friends at picnics and BBQs. i will just prepare to do those activities a bit differently than i have in the past, as my mind has been opened to the idea that i can enjoy the outdoors without subjecting myself to the damage that sunshine may do.

∞ DT ∞