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in this process, i will find that i no longer have to carry the burdens of the past. planning the plan, letting go of outcomes, quite a task form many an addict, especially me, a total control freak. well not so total anymore, but it is still part of my makeup to want to control the outcome of any plan i make, including but not limited the amends process. the reading this morning speaks specifically to the amends process, and once again, here i sit thinking about the process of forgiving myself, rather than the whole process in and of itself.
so going down that path, one of the toughest things i have trouble letting go of, is the outcome of self-forgiveness. i know that allowing myself to project the outcome of any amends is not a healthy manner in which to approach this process. i also realize that hoping to be forgiven y others for my past transgressions, sets me up for disappointment. i also realize that forgiving myself is a process and not an event. well now that i consider that last statement, perhaps it would be better to look at it as a process comprised of many events. each time i take responsibility for something i have done, and each time i look to repair that damage, i get the chance to once again forgive myself for my part in that. the event, as you will that creates the chain of events in the process of self-forgiveness. the question now becomes not when but how. how do i let go of the behavior that causes the damage in the first place? most of the damage i cause is to myself these days. in the ongoing miracle of recovery, i have transformed into a person who actually cares about the effects my behavior has on others. while i have not been anywhere close to saintlike in this respect, i have moved light-years from where i was when i first entered recovery. the previous amends i have made, continue to teach about what i need to do in the here and now. the amazing part of this process is that as i get healthier, i feel the need to get what i want diminish, and the desire to be the man i am becoming, grow. part of that desire is to stop the the sadomasochistic behaviors that drive my need to change the way i am feeling. the steps, especially becoming willing, allows me to find a healthy manner to stop the bloody beatings i am so apt to inflict upon myself.
so it goes…
so i guess i want to close with the thought that if i can let go of the outcomes of my amends and allow the process of forgiving myself to continue, i can get better an lessen the need to make amends in the long run. certainly a goal to shoot for today.

∞ DT ∞