Blog entry for:
Fri, Oct 6, 2006 06:31:11 AM
δ although i may not be granted a full pardon by everyone to whom i owe amends, δ
posted: Fri, Oct 6, 2006 06:31:11 AM
i will learn to forgive myself. in the process, i will find that i no longer have to carry the burdens of the past.
and after all, letting go of my past and learning how to live in the here and now is one the greatest gifts that this whole recovery shindig can give me. what the truly amazing and astounding part for me is, is watching my fellow members struggle through steps eight and nine, make amends to as many on their list as they possibly can, and still cling to the misery of their past, and continue to spew their toxically venomous load of bile on all of those who happen to be in earshot.
now i am one of those, venting about other members when i NEED to be thinking about how this reading applies to me. and for one of my sponsees, you know who you may be note the lack of the word "SHOULD" in the previous statement. alas, i digress, perhaps thinking about forgiving myself for my behavior across my active addiction and through my recovery to this point. living in the past appears to be so comfortable for me, just because the shit is SOOOOOO familiar and that familiarity makes me unwilling to leave that place no matter how shitty and stinky it may be.
so how do i actively bring steps eight and nine into my daily life, so i no longer need to trip over the ghosts of behaviors past? well for one i can accept that not everyone is going to follow along with don’s grand scheme of things and let go of my expectations, especially where steps eight through ten are concerned. and remember that i am human, and if i choose to ask someone to forgive my past actions, and if i do my best to make the repairs they require and that are appropriate for the situation, then i being a fucking liar and a hypocrite to not forgive myself at the same time. and i have enough negative stuff rolling around my head as it is. so the easier softer way for this addict is to let go of my expectations regarding other people and the results of my step work, and just be secure in the knowledge that today i am doing my best to minimize the amends i will need to make tomorrow!
and after all, letting go of my past and learning how to live in the here and now is one the greatest gifts that this whole recovery shindig can give me. what the truly amazing and astounding part for me is, is watching my fellow members struggle through steps eight and nine, make amends to as many on their list as they possibly can, and still cling to the misery of their past, and continue to spew their toxically venomous load of bile on all of those who happen to be in earshot.
now i am one of those, venting about other members when i NEED to be thinking about how this reading applies to me. and for one of my sponsees, you know who you may be note the lack of the word "SHOULD" in the previous statement. alas, i digress, perhaps thinking about forgiving myself for my behavior across my active addiction and through my recovery to this point. living in the past appears to be so comfortable for me, just because the shit is SOOOOOO familiar and that familiarity makes me unwilling to leave that place no matter how shitty and stinky it may be.
so how do i actively bring steps eight and nine into my daily life, so i no longer need to trip over the ghosts of behaviors past? well for one i can accept that not everyone is going to follow along with don’s grand scheme of things and let go of my expectations, especially where steps eight through ten are concerned. and remember that i am human, and if i choose to ask someone to forgive my past actions, and if i do my best to make the repairs they require and that are appropriate for the situation, then i being a fucking liar and a hypocrite to not forgive myself at the same time. and i have enough negative stuff rolling around my head as it is. so the easier softer way for this addict is to let go of my expectations regarding other people and the results of my step work, and just be secure in the knowledge that today i am doing my best to minimize the amends i will need to make tomorrow!
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
expectations 466 words ➥ Wednesday, October 6, 2004 by: donnotα expecting results Ω 415 words ➥ Thursday, October 6, 2005 by: donnot
α if i approach steps eight and nine expecting anything, i am likely to be very disappointed with the results. ω 412 words ➥ Saturday, October 6, 2007 by: donnot
↔ i need to be willing to make my amends regardless of the outcome. ↔ 352 words ➥ Monday, October 6, 2008 by: donnot
⊗ i can plan the amends, but i cannot plan the results ⊗ 504 words ➥ Tuesday, October 6, 2009 by: donnot
Δ i will let go of any expectations i have on other people Δ 215 words ➥ Wednesday, October 6, 2010 by: donnot
× projections about actually making amends can be a major obstacle × 462 words ➥ Thursday, October 6, 2011 by: donnot
¿ will i be tarred and feathered by the persons i have harmed ? 527 words ➥ Saturday, October 6, 2012 by: donnot
∪ in the amends process, ∪ 266 words ➥ Sunday, October 6, 2013 by: donnot
∝ amends ∝ 431 words ➥ Tuesday, October 6, 2015 by: donnot
¿ will i be forgiven ? 812 words ➥ Thursday, October 6, 2016 by: donnot
🠾 my tendency 🠼 583 words ➥ Friday, October 6, 2017 by: donnot
🌠 learning to forgive myself, 🌠 442 words ➥ Saturday, October 6, 2018 by: donnot
🐌 carrying the burdens 🐂 566 words ➥ Sunday, October 6, 2019 by: donnot
🍄 to become willing 🍄 394 words ➥ Tuesday, October 6, 2020 by: donnot
👹 major obstacles 👾 401 words ➥ Wednesday, October 6, 2021 by: donnot
🛎 the burdens 🛈 401 words ➥ Thursday, October 6, 2022 by: donnot
😌 safety, 😌 321 words ➥ Friday, October 6, 2023 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 1
2) All things depend on it for their production, which it gives to
them, not one refusing obedience to it. When its work is accomplished,
it does not claim the name of having done it. It clothes all things
as with a garment, and makes no assumption of being their lord;--it
may be named in the smallest things. All things return (to their root
and disappear), and do not know that it is it which presides over
their doing so;--it may be named in the greatest things.