Blog entry for:

to seek forgiveness, can be a major stumbling block in all sorts of my relationships, not only in my willingness to make amends. sure i always want absolution and forgiveness, for everything i do that is not on the up and up, HOWEVER my FEAR of not getting that, keeps me from making the reparations i NEED to make. that was nice part of growing up Catholic, a quick confession ten Hail Marys and a few Our Fathers and <BOOM> all was forgiven. today, things are quite that simple, and of course i forget the price i paid for that FREEDOM. this is not about the relief of the confessional nor about how i can fix my expectations, it is more about how i can move forward without expecting anything in return, especially when it comes down to owning my responsibility.
today, i am taking a “Mental Health” day from work and i am discovering that i cannot just sit home and do nothing. i have already been out and about, hanging with a friend or three and spending some down time with them. they, unlike me, do not work a strict M-F, 8 hour day sort of gig, and although i certainly could get envious of their seeming leisure, i know that they, too pay a price that tips their world upside down, at certain times of the year. for me, that sort of lifestyle was great for a while, but i was unable to sustain it, and in my isolation i got a whole lot “sicker.” i am just about top complete my amends to myself from those days of spending without regard to what was coming in, and tap dancing around the fact that i was doing almost nothing for eighteen months of my life. none of those friends, are in that situation, but they do remind me of the price i paid for that delusional FREEDOM. time and again, i go back to those days, and time and again, i beat myself up, for being so freaking entitled, that i believed the jobs and money would fall from the sky and enrich my life. when i get back in that mindset, i must remember when i decided that my amends to myself would be to invest in my relationships, my home, my financial security and my recovery, i would have to do so, without any expectations of return and learn to find the means to forgive myself for living a lie.
expecting me, to forgive myself for the damage i did do, is a tough one to work through. i know that my life is getting better. i know that i have FAITH in the program that allows me the FREEDOM to live as i do. most of all, i know that i am taking all the right steps to getting through to the other side. as i sit on hold waiting to be told what a tool i am, for making a mistake when i upgraded to MAX Sunday ticket, i am starting to get a sense of what i need to do today. be nice to the customer service agent, get my lawn mowed and the sprinklers back-drained, take a nap and set up my website on AWS. plenty of stuff to accomplish and all of it doable. just for today, i can forgive myself for being such a shite to myself.

∞ DT ∞