Blog entry for:

to be and feel anything i wanted, however the price i paid for this illusory freedom was a dependence beyond my worst nightmares. the irony in that statement? well for me, it was the fact that the structure of denial that i had built up, reaffirmed that false belief and dismissed any evidence that might support the actual truth, that i was dependent on getting high, in order to survive the daily grind of living. what i thought of this morning, was the difficulty i am having with one of the men i sponsor, every time i start to go up against his denial structure. i now understand, what a battering mine had to take before i finally let go, and allowed a bit of this program to sink in and start the destructive process of destroying that structure. thinking back, i can see, what i felt most was FEAR. how could i survive without the very structure that protected me in my darkest days of using, never mind, that structure allowed me to be a thief, a liar, a cheat, a con man and an uncaring, self-centered person. using only bolstered that façde. the power i felt, illusory and fleeting as it was, sustained me between the times when i was not high.
so recognizing that i was dependent on something when i came to the rooms was quite a shock. learning that i had to switch my dependencies, was even more so, after all, i heard the logic machine cranking up, switching from one irrational belief system to another, was hardly a pathway to greater health. or was it?
well, as i have walked this path, learning to become dependent of the program, and a concept of a POWER GREATER than me, i feel healthier. the evidence of an actual restoration to a healthier state? well i can now maintain relationships. i can be an equal partner. i can recognize when i am being selfish and self-centered and choose not to act out. i can get through today, without having the desire to use, and most likely without having any thought of using. i can be trusted to with some of the darkest secrets i have ever heard. most of all, i can do my best to act with integrity, being true to myself, honoring my word and doing what i said i was going to do. none of that was possible when i was in active addiction. it is true that i am still stubborn, opinionated and can be quite passionate and looking at those qualities now, they are changing into assets, passion used to be rage, opinionated used to be self-righteousness, and stubborn used to be closed-minded. what exactly could be the source of such deeply manifest changes? well the only answer i can come up with, is provided by the reading at hand -- a growing dependence of a HIGHER POWER that i have come to know as a result of the program that has given me this new manner of living.
as much as i resisted the change, i changed anyhow, all from just a tiny crack in the structure i so carefully crafted to protect me from the realities of life in active addiction. my sponsee? well i will keep hammering away on his structure and perhaps he too, will find that wall of denial is not actually providing him with any solace or comfort after all.
i have FAITH that if someone like me can get this, than anyone else can also. so it is off to start a new cycle of neighborhood tours. it is after akll a good day to take care of myself.

∞ DT ∞