Blog entry for:

was that it gave me the power to be and feel anything i wanted, all by myself. yes i certainly believed that i was in control of my life, throughout all those decades of using and certainly right up to the end, after all, i had navigated the legal system and had everyone “fooled” about my “recovery,” and worked out a using schedule that i could tolerate and accept. life was happening the exact way i planned it to happen, day after day and the world was certainly my oyster. then all my carefully crafted plans came crashing down and i was about to face the one consequence that i had no desire to face, and i needed a brand new plan, tout de suite! long term recovery was NOT that plan and the fact that i am sitting here after a few days, writing about that time in my life, is astoundingly unbelievable, and for those who hate and doubt, perhaps evidence of some sort of POWER greater than me. i can also say that recovery is a tough enough journey that even the hardiest of the whiny neo-con snowflakes would melt and dissolve into tiny drops of briny water on the floor of reality. i would say i was sorry about the political jibe there, but to do so, would be lying, i have no remorse for calling out the weak and feeble, who portray themselves as defenders of the realm. the fact is they are protecting a philosophy that is in its dying throes, and their “surge”is the harbinger of the end of that manner of thinking and the politicians that appear to support them. sad but true, accommodation and rationalism could save their tired and dated way of thinking, but that is not the path they choose to trod. demographics and aging are their enemies, and neither seems to be shifting in their favor, any day soon.
ah, but i certainly digress, and yes, the events of today as seen through the lens of the mainstream press is certainly not a vision of any sort of HOPE. in days past, i could retreat into a shell of isolation ↪ getting high and reading fantasy novels, or watching endless repeats on cable TV. today, when i feel HOPELESS, and i certainly do from time to time, i get to retreat into the comfort of the POWER that fuels my recovery and do whatever is necessary to stay clean, just for today. saying i have grown dependent upon that POWER, is an anathema to me, but it is certainly a fact of my life. i may not know what that POWER looks like, nor how IT acts upon the world around me, i just have the FAITH, that POWER will give me the opportunity, just for today, to get everything i need and even a few things i desire. with that thought in mind, i think i will begin my little trip over to my Saturday in Boulder. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to look beyond the veil of tears that seems to encompass modern life and into something more abiding.

∞ DT ∞