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**a POWER greater than myself,** was not something i ever thought i would need to do and certainly not a task i had any desire to accomplish. as i stayed clean, self-sponsored and on pure self-willed, i longed for an **easier and softer way.** as i finally surrendered to the program i was being offered, i found that the only way this might work for me, was if i gave up on my insistence about what is and is not active in my life and accept that maybe, just maybe there is a POWER that could give me the power to stay clean and lead me towards a life where i was just a little bit less crazed. it still took ten plus years to find my spiritual path. i have documented that journey, more than once, so instead of yet another blow-by-blow description i will say that today i do not chafe under the yoke of a self-imposed “exile from my true will.”
there certainly have been times that i was envious of my peers. those who possessed a palpable sense of desperation were the first of those i envied. their entry into the program seemed to work a miracle in their lives as getting clean seemed to make their lives LOOK instantly “fixed.” when i stopped and actually looked at their level of desperation and what really was happening, i realized that being “sentenced” top the rooms, was the easier, softer way, as there was very little i had to lose, if i decided that this path was not for me. those who could adopt and hold on to the POWER that they brought with them into the rooms, even if they had a resentment or three against GOD, also triggered my feelings of envy. why was i so resistant when i could see my peers getting what they needed without the angst and turmoil i felt. even my second sponsor used to tick me off, as he felt a connection to the GOD i never did understand or have the ability to sincerely believe in. how the f*ck was i going to work those “GOD” steps when nothing i was being presented was ever going to fit?
sitting where i am today, i can see all of that was part and parcel of what i needed to get comfortable with who i am and live a life based in spiritual principles. i can beat around the bush and tell tales about all of the powers greater than i am, in my life, but the fact is, what i know about GOD is absolutely nothing. what i know about the POWER that fuels my recovery, is that POWER keeps me clean and provides for my spiritual needs. anything else i think i may know about a HIGHER POWER is simply sophistry and the echoes of those stories i have told myself for decades on end. i KNOW today that i can let go and allow my life to flow as it should. i also KNOW that IF i pay attention, i will get to make plans, set goals and find a better person staring me back at me in the mirror tomorrow. all i have to do, is …

∞ DT ∞