Blog entry for:

the POWER that fuels my recovery.
okay really quick here, another pet peeve of mine, is the tendency to refer to a HIGHER POWER in a possessive sense. one can possess a concept, an idea or a belief, but it is rather difficult for one to possess a power greater than addiction. yews i call that POWER, the POWER that fuels my recovery, but never “my GOD or our HIGHER POWER,” as i believe IT is as something that cannot be held, possessed, shared or given away, as IT is way beyond that. </rant over> moving right along.
next on the hit parade, well no more pet peeves or judgements to cast and much more about myself. it is quite true, that when i came to the rooms, i w\\only had a very illusory sense of freedom. i was beholden to the substances that made me tolerable, the 20th judicial district and all sorts or creditors, who hounded my waking existence. yet, i would have told you i was a free spirit, beholden to nothing and certainly not bound by the any sort of dogma, religious or atheistic. in fact, had you asked, i would have very loudly insisted (as i thought if i said it loud enough, it had to be true) that i was free of all strings, and all my choices were mine and mine alone. i was weirdly proud that i had fathered no children, had no long-term romantic relationships and came out of promiscuity without any incurable sexually transmitted diseases. of course, i had no loyalty, courage or work ethic either, all of that was for the “weak and feeble,” modern humans had evolved beyond those puritanical sensibilities. even with all of that to buttress that wall of denial, i felt something was missing, but there was always another little sumthin', sumthin' to disarm that feeling.
as i stay clean and day by day learn to implement the program of recovery into my life, and not just cut and paste “spiritual” tidbits to my social media page, i begin to come to terms that what i lacked, and what i was missing was the very thing i was so fVcking proud of, a human connection and a connection to something more. i see, that i am dependent of the POWER that fuels my recovery and i possess a sense of what that relationship looks like. yes, just a sense, because my understanding is limited and is still being built. i own a sense of who i am today and how that person fits into the world around him. i also own a sense of how that person is growing into the person i have always wanted to be, and how the path to that person coincides with the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. what i do not own is a fellowship, any meeting or a HIGHER POWER, as i am not all that powerful in any sense of the word. i GET that what i need is here for me top accept, if i choose to wake up, and look around me. i also get that if i use, all of this, will be destroyed, regardless of how quick my return to the rooms may be. i also get, that just for today, i am grateful to have a job and a career that nourishes my head as well as my being and that the time has come to hop into the shower and get rolling down to that location. it is a great day to be clean and even a better day to admit i am dependent upon the POWER that fuels my recovery, to get what i need to maintain my recovery.

∞ DT ∞