∠ sometimes my addiction tells me i am not responsible for myself and my actions ∠
Posted: Thu, Oct 22, 2009 08:27:43 AM
at other times, it tells me that everything wrong with the world is my fault. although i **get** what this reading is saying, there are days like today when i just do not want to hear it, or deal with it. i could simply say that **i do not like this reading,** that would however be a lie. i have come to a place in my recovery that when i feel that i like or dislike a message, that i know it has struck a chord within me.
what is this morning that i do not want to hear? well, i could start with a very basic premise that i have multiple personalities, and that addiction is one of those that tries to influence my conscious behavior. that whole notion, while comforting to some, has become at best problematical for me. i have come to the place where i have to see addiction as part of me, part of the whole person and not some sort of multi-personality disorder or schizophrenia. to put myself into either of those diagnoses is not what i am about these days.
HOWEVER, that argument has been settled internally a long time ago, so that is not what the problem is this morning. what it is perhaps that is going on, is that i do not want to look at the influence that the part of me i can call addiction has had and does have on a moment by moment basis in the her and now. i know i lie to myself, i know that i want to let myself odd the hook for my decisions and the consequences of them. i also know that i know all of this and have the perfect foil to such destructive thought patterns and behaviors. the force of recovery in my life is a strong one, the FAITH i have in the recovery process is becoming nearly unshakable and most importantly the gratitude i feel for having the means to become more than i ever dreamed possible is undeniable. so why does it bother me, to hear that the voice of addiction can still be manifest in my life today? BECAUSE, there are days when i want to think i am better than that! plain and simple, there is more than a small part of me that wants to be permanently free from active addiction and learn to use as normal people do. how silly is that? well silly or not, is is certainly a deadly notion for someone like me. i have witnessed what happens to members that have a few days clean that start to actually believe that this can ever come true, and that is one consequence that i do not wish to partake in today.
what does all this mean? well in the short run, it means finish my step writing, whether or not the sponse will be up to helping through a step over the weekend. move forward with the tasks i have on my desktop, including getting all my computers updated to the latest and greatest. that task is already started and can be continued without my intervention at this time. most of all, remember who and what i am, AN ADDICT that woke up this morning with the desire to stay clean, NO MATTER WHAT, at least just for today.
so off to the showers and into the real world.
what is this morning that i do not want to hear? well, i could start with a very basic premise that i have multiple personalities, and that addiction is one of those that tries to influence my conscious behavior. that whole notion, while comforting to some, has become at best problematical for me. i have come to the place where i have to see addiction as part of me, part of the whole person and not some sort of multi-personality disorder or schizophrenia. to put myself into either of those diagnoses is not what i am about these days.
HOWEVER, that argument has been settled internally a long time ago, so that is not what the problem is this morning. what it is perhaps that is going on, is that i do not want to look at the influence that the part of me i can call addiction has had and does have on a moment by moment basis in the her and now. i know i lie to myself, i know that i want to let myself odd the hook for my decisions and the consequences of them. i also know that i know all of this and have the perfect foil to such destructive thought patterns and behaviors. the force of recovery in my life is a strong one, the FAITH i have in the recovery process is becoming nearly unshakable and most importantly the gratitude i feel for having the means to become more than i ever dreamed possible is undeniable. so why does it bother me, to hear that the voice of addiction can still be manifest in my life today? BECAUSE, there are days when i want to think i am better than that! plain and simple, there is more than a small part of me that wants to be permanently free from active addiction and learn to use as normal people do. how silly is that? well silly or not, is is certainly a deadly notion for someone like me. i have witnessed what happens to members that have a few days clean that start to actually believe that this can ever come true, and that is one consequence that i do not wish to partake in today.
what does all this mean? well in the short run, it means finish my step writing, whether or not the sponse will be up to helping through a step over the weekend. move forward with the tasks i have on my desktop, including getting all my computers updated to the latest and greatest. that task is already started and can be continued without my intervention at this time. most of all, remember who and what i am, AN ADDICT that woke up this morning with the desire to stay clean, NO MATTER WHAT, at least just for today.
so off to the showers and into the real world.
∞ DT ∞