> the part of me i call addiction, <
Posted: Mon, Oct 22, 2012 07:39:48 AM
is so cunning that it can get me into impossible situations. i have to fess up here, this is one of those reading where i had a favorable emotional reaction to, when i read it it this morning. yes, a lot of words but so much more precise than “i really liked it.” this morning i am touched by being precise, with a grater emphasis than ever.
what was it that tripped off any sort of feeling? that has yet to come to me. i really am not a big fan of something or someone else inside of me talking to me models. i think the whole Sybil syndrome, is a cheat and the sooner one realizes that the disease of addiction is THEM, the sooner one will be able to move forward in their recovery. yes i am an addict. addiction is a part of me, not some outside possessive force. it was me, and only me who used for all of those years as it is me, who chooses to be in active recovery today. oh i can soften the blow of the realization that if all of that is true, than i was the one who chose to slowly kill myself, give away everything that was precious to me, and live a valueless life of bouncing along the bottom. it was me, who chose not to do anything about my uncontrolled drug use, until forced to and it was me who lived a life devoid of emotion by choice. that is a very harsh realization, what that all boils down to, is that in some sort of sick sadomasochistic manner i was consciously choosing to debase, degrade and kill myself.
therefore, when i choose to live, it is me, who works a program, lives in the here and now, and does the next right thing. those are my choices and they are given to me, BECAUSE i am abstinent from mind and mood altering substances and have accepted that there is some sort of HIGHER POWER that guides my in my recovery. the man i have always wanted to be, was always present, he was just buried under the pile of dung created by me, in active addiction. the 12 STEP process and all that entails, removes that crap, sometimes with a baby wipe and sometimes with a power washer, to extend the metaphor. both are equally effective in their own way and for this addict doing his best to live a life of active recovery, the power washer is sometimes the best way to go.
so it is off to the office early today, so i can get off early on Friday. it is certainly a good day to be clean and while i have the opportunity a good day to get moving a bit early.
what was it that tripped off any sort of feeling? that has yet to come to me. i really am not a big fan of something or someone else inside of me talking to me models. i think the whole Sybil syndrome, is a cheat and the sooner one realizes that the disease of addiction is THEM, the sooner one will be able to move forward in their recovery. yes i am an addict. addiction is a part of me, not some outside possessive force. it was me, and only me who used for all of those years as it is me, who chooses to be in active recovery today. oh i can soften the blow of the realization that if all of that is true, than i was the one who chose to slowly kill myself, give away everything that was precious to me, and live a valueless life of bouncing along the bottom. it was me, who chose not to do anything about my uncontrolled drug use, until forced to and it was me who lived a life devoid of emotion by choice. that is a very harsh realization, what that all boils down to, is that in some sort of sick sadomasochistic manner i was consciously choosing to debase, degrade and kill myself.
therefore, when i choose to live, it is me, who works a program, lives in the here and now, and does the next right thing. those are my choices and they are given to me, BECAUSE i am abstinent from mind and mood altering substances and have accepted that there is some sort of HIGHER POWER that guides my in my recovery. the man i have always wanted to be, was always present, he was just buried under the pile of dung created by me, in active addiction. the 12 STEP process and all that entails, removes that crap, sometimes with a baby wipe and sometimes with a power washer, to extend the metaphor. both are equally effective in their own way and for this addict doing his best to live a life of active recovery, the power washer is sometimes the best way to go.
so it is off to the office early today, so i can get off early on Friday. it is certainly a good day to be clean and while i have the opportunity a good day to get moving a bit early.
∞ DT ∞