≈ the part of me i call addiction ≈
Posted: Wed, Oct 22, 2014 08:31:46 AM
tries to trick me into trusting it. so i am writing this little but, while on customer service with Comcast and probably will have to come in remotely to post this later today, because Comcast has an outage in the area, wot, they owned up to their sh!t amazing, maybe there are unicorns in the world after all.
okay, all cynicism aside, these days i really do not like to speak about addiction as a separate entity that tells me what to do. i was never very comfortable with the whole disease concept, but have reached an accommodation with that, so i can be a part of this fellowship instead of apart from it. so this whole idea that hear voices in my head, especially from disembodied notions such as addiction, smacks of severe mental illness to me. the kind of REAL mental illness, that is diagnosable and treatable, not the 99% of the hokey mental illnesses that BIG PHARMA and BIG MEDICINE have dreamed up over the course of the past twenty years. that however is a bandwagon for another day. so when i take out the disparate nature of addiction and own the fact that addiction is a part of me, whether it was inherent, learned or cultured into me, it really does not matter, it comes down to the fact that it is ME, that i cannot trust. it comes down to me, being the sole entity that wants to get high. it comes down to me, who is the self-centered, self-obsessed, and self-entitled a$$hole, that walked through this life, oblivious to the harm i was causing and when it threatened my fantasy view of reality, it was me, who ran to the pharmacopoeia to get rid of any notions of responsibility.
i get why the fellowship speaks of addiction as a disease and as some sort of separate entity, because it allows the newest of the new, the opportunity to come ion, get some clean time, and start to get better than they were, when they crawled into the rooms. what i do not get, is the members with years clean, who refuse to accept this as a JEDI mind trick and own that they are the addict within, and it is their voice that is telling them that just for today, it is okay to get high. which brings me to where i was going, before my little detour, namely that once i own the fact that i am the addict, it is my voice i am hearing, filled with my bright ideas, then i can do so something to counter it.
the reading speaks of two possible actions and only one fits well in the paradigm of taking responsibility for my recovery, that is listening to the voices of my friends and peers in recovery, to counter the voice of the addict within. it is through that chorus that i hear the voice of the POWER that fuels my recovery. ignoring or suppressing that voice, feels like very old and familiar behavior, not all that dissimilar to the voice of my conscience being drowned out by the chemical flavor of the day. instead of trying to drown out, that white noise, what i have found is that when i listen to it, i get a better understanding of who i am, and what is actually happening inside of me. when i understand what is going on inside, i can better apply what i hear from the outside influences in my life, and <GASP> actually make strides in my journey towards becoming the person i have always wanted to be.
anyhow the hour grows late, i still have to work for a living and you know what, as much as i would like to have some time off, i am quite happy to be merrily tripping over to Boulder to earn today's daily bread.
okay, all cynicism aside, these days i really do not like to speak about addiction as a separate entity that tells me what to do. i was never very comfortable with the whole disease concept, but have reached an accommodation with that, so i can be a part of this fellowship instead of apart from it. so this whole idea that hear voices in my head, especially from disembodied notions such as addiction, smacks of severe mental illness to me. the kind of REAL mental illness, that is diagnosable and treatable, not the 99% of the hokey mental illnesses that BIG PHARMA and BIG MEDICINE have dreamed up over the course of the past twenty years. that however is a bandwagon for another day. so when i take out the disparate nature of addiction and own the fact that addiction is a part of me, whether it was inherent, learned or cultured into me, it really does not matter, it comes down to the fact that it is ME, that i cannot trust. it comes down to me, being the sole entity that wants to get high. it comes down to me, who is the self-centered, self-obsessed, and self-entitled a$$hole, that walked through this life, oblivious to the harm i was causing and when it threatened my fantasy view of reality, it was me, who ran to the pharmacopoeia to get rid of any notions of responsibility.
i get why the fellowship speaks of addiction as a disease and as some sort of separate entity, because it allows the newest of the new, the opportunity to come ion, get some clean time, and start to get better than they were, when they crawled into the rooms. what i do not get, is the members with years clean, who refuse to accept this as a JEDI mind trick and own that they are the addict within, and it is their voice that is telling them that just for today, it is okay to get high. which brings me to where i was going, before my little detour, namely that once i own the fact that i am the addict, it is my voice i am hearing, filled with my bright ideas, then i can do so something to counter it.
the reading speaks of two possible actions and only one fits well in the paradigm of taking responsibility for my recovery, that is listening to the voices of my friends and peers in recovery, to counter the voice of the addict within. it is through that chorus that i hear the voice of the POWER that fuels my recovery. ignoring or suppressing that voice, feels like very old and familiar behavior, not all that dissimilar to the voice of my conscience being drowned out by the chemical flavor of the day. instead of trying to drown out, that white noise, what i have found is that when i listen to it, i get a better understanding of who i am, and what is actually happening inside of me. when i understand what is going on inside, i can better apply what i hear from the outside influences in my life, and <GASP> actually make strides in my journey towards becoming the person i have always wanted to be.
anyhow the hour grows late, i still have to work for a living and you know what, as much as i would like to have some time off, i am quite happy to be merrily tripping over to Boulder to earn today's daily bread.
∞ DT ∞