Blog entry for:

but learning to understand and deal with those feelings, no matter what they are. i can do this by working the steps and sharing my feelings with others.
so what am i feeling today? well i am a bit sad because a friend is in jail. he had ample warning to alter his behavior, from more than one trusted source and yet he persisted and now he will probably be locked up at least a few more days. this is quite a parallel to another friend’s fate, HOWEVER in that case i was clueless about what was happening until it was way too late. this one i saw coming, this one had no mixed signals and the consequences were clear, and yet this one has ended up like the other, although i do not believe that the outcome will be as light as the other. i may be wrong, and as i sit here i am letting go of what has happened, confident i did everything in my power to prevent this from happening, and secure in the knowledge that what was done was not out of disrespect for my opinions, but RATHER an exercise in self-will that had dire results.
so what else is going on? well i am excited to get working with a new sponsee, although i have to take him back to his first step to bring a new understanding into his recovery process. i am relieved that it is snowing outside, as i really did not run today, and was trying to come up with some sort of reason not to. i am grateful that i am getting a massage this afternoon and do not have to rush back home and start dealing with clients. i am accepting of an outcome that i have stressed over for the past eight days, as i have finally realized there is nothing personal in any of what has gone on, it is all how it is supposed to be. i am sop clueless about what to get for my significant other for her birthday tomorrow, so i think i will let go, ask for clarity on that issue and listen to what i feel on that.
the amazing part of all of this, is that these are feelings going on concurrently inside of me. part of the reason i used was to still this sort of activity as blissful oblivion was a better choice for me than all of these confusing, moshed-up feelings. if i could still this whole mess, for even just a second, then that instance of using was successful, and if that stillness lasted more than a second than i was in bonus! when i stripped away the substances, i was quite unprepared for what the consequences would be. the feelings inside swirled and churned with the force of a hurricane and i was quite unprepared to withstand the force of all those swallowed and repressed feelings. had it not been for the judicial sword of prison time poised on my neck, i would not have made it through those early days. i mean it really sucked. here i was feeling all kinds of confused stuff and living in bone-crushing, jaw-clenching jones twenty-four hours a day, seven day a week. i can see it now, that HP had a plan, and the only way i was ever going to be freed from active addiction was the path that brought to this place in my life. any other path would have led to failure, and i would probably still be using today.
as i have progressed through the steps, i am even becoming grateful that i can feel, even though it sucks from time to time. my friend in jail, well i will continue to be sad for him, and i will use him as an example of what can happen to me IF i allow myself to ignore what i am being told and live in self-will, i do not blame anyone BUT him for what has happened. NO means NO DAMMIT! as to the contract issue? well i will do what i need to do, answer any questions and allow that process to work itself out, all by itself, it really is OUT OF MY FVCKING HANDS, so it is time for me to not just say that, but to actually live IT. working out? well i have equipment in the basement, which is exactly what i am going to use, the snow is no longer an excuse for laziness. so into my day i go.

∞ DT ∞