Blog entry for:

the face of self-doubt. is no doubt an subject ripe for discussion in my life these days. my source material went to the place of group conscience to explain the concept, which i found a bit cold and heartless after looking at my life through the lens of dealing with my own self-doubt. i know that the source material is supposed to be general and allow each reader to go down their own path, but i believe that this would have been a better topic if the writers decided to focus on personal recovery, rather than the group. in general, as i get near the end of my one year commitment to this material, time and again, i find certain topics over the top in “general” experience at the cost of that personal experience that has been generalized and a bit sanitized it is as if the authors' intent was to rush this literature out the door, rather than carefully considering the personal touch.
now that i have spent far too many words in a screed against what i read, what i felt and what i heard was certainly more on a personal note. pitching aside the whole second tradition stuff, where i went was to a place of self-doubt i felt several times on the slopes of Kilimanjaro. more than once i felt inadequate and was ready to quit. up until the time i climber the Barranco Wall and lunched at Lava Tower, did i start to gain an appreciation of the fact that i had trained and was more than adequate for the task ahead of me. i may not have been a super stud climber or anything, but i did make the summit and although i needed more than a bit of help on the last few days to reach the foot of the mountain, i feel good about what i accomplished, especially facing down my fear, uncertainly and self-doubt.
as i move forward into dealing with the state of my late Mom's affairs, i am also facing the fear and self-doubt that i am not good enough and will make a worse mess of everything, than it already is. what i feel i may need to do, is to take care of what i can, on a daily basis and leave everything else in the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. there are a whole lot of plates in the air right now, and none appear to be coming down very quickly. i will do my best to live in the FAITH that everything i need to do, will be revealed as it comes due and the COURAGE, that i will get everything i need to, in order to deal with each of the tasks before me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞