Blog entry for:

more than just pleasure. i would lie, if once i expected recovery to be one pleasurable thrill after another, without the pit of coming down. when i was hanging around, it certainly seemed like there were more than one member who was always happy, and if they were not on something, that meant that they were happy because of recovery. it took me a while to begin to understand that feelings just are, and although i knew how to change my feelings, i could learn to accept them. what i discovered, as a result of staying clean, was that those members who always seemed happy fell into two groups.
the first one group being that they were living an active program of recovery and were displaying on the outside what their insides really looked like. the members of this group were not always happy, but i mistook acceptance and serenity for happiness, and yes this group seemed to have their act together and had a quality of recovery that i could choose to emulate.
the other group i discovered, were those who put on that they were happy and content, to protect the “newcomer.” everything in their lives was always perfect, and they pasted on a smile every time they came into the rooms, hiding their internal landscape, just to keep newbies like me, in the rooms. i discovered that they suffered from a similar character defect as me, namely the desire to look good, no matter what.
of course what i also discovered, as i stuck around was that these were extremes and most of my peers, myself included, fall somewhere in between. which quite awkwardly brings me to the point of this exercise, losing the desire to control my feelings. in my local fellowship i often hear my peers share about doing this or that because they desire to change their feelings. i cannot reach into their heads and see if they are being truthful or just parroting what someone else once said, but what i can say is that for me, trying to plan, control or change the way i feel, ALWAYS leaves me worse off than before. the emphasis being on ALWAYS, as i have seen that in my life, that is truly a cause and effect sort of behavior, an absolute and one that most days to choose not to test once again. part of doing this recovery gig, at least for me, was learning to grow up and stop being so infantile about having a feeling or two. there is a man i sort of sponsor, who uses a much stronger and offensive term when it come to being infantile, but for me, there is no reason move into insulting and derogatory terms for myself. what i finally had to do and this is as a result of working an active program,, is learn how to take the value judgement out of how i feel. i just feel, PERIOD. sometimes the feelings i have are appropriate responses to my current situation, sometimes, not so much. it really does not matter. what matters is that i feel them, and react appropriately to them. what matters is that when i feel them, i allow my outsides to show them, instead of bottling them in and acting as-if there is nothing going on. that Jedi mind trick is not a healthy one for me, no matter how well i know it and how well i can make it work. been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
so back to the top, what sort of face do i present to the newcomer, am i a Happy Harry or Gloomy Gus? or am i a Reality Rick, sometimes serene and content, sometime all fuckered up. it really does not matter as long as i express exactly what it is i am feeling on the inside, on my outsides and when i share i share from my heart no matter how much it may or may not be hurting. this trip through the steps is coming down to learning how to feel the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, and sometimes life does not present me what i expect it to give me. yes i get angry, throwing a petulant temper tantrum, but sooner or later, i come to my senses and realize that life is not fair, justice is very rarely served, but regardless of those facts of life, i can persevere, accept that is my lot in life, right here and right now and move along. feelings are fleeting, working hard to control or change them is mostly wasted energy and time that can be put into living my life, instead of trying to alter something transient and fleeting, it is after all a great day to be a part of my life instead of a spectator.

∞ DT ∞