Blog entry for:

with this tool in hand, i did not have to accept the need for change, despite the mounting evidence that i was destroying myself day by day. in fact, my denial was so complete, that to this day, i can still say that using was working for me, although the relief i was seeking, was more and more temporary as time went by.
so what in the world does self-pity have to with me today? i can easily drop back into the ‘poor me’ mode with very little effort. after all, i cannot run because once again it has snowed overnight. therefore i am a victim of the weather, and since i cannot take care of myself in the manner that i desire, i might as well get sad. and if i get sad, well that must mean this whole recovery gig is not worth it. and if this recovery gig is not worth the effort, then staying clean is pointless. and there you have it, the chain of thought that leads to me deciding that using is the most attractive choice i can make.
so the tools of recovery can combat and break this chain at the beginning by exploding the basic premise. yes, it is snowing, and yes it is true that i cannot work out as i desire HOWEVER there is always the exercise equipment in the basement and besides it did not just snow on me, it snowed on everyone, so while i may allow myself to be victimized by the weather, i am in the boat as everyone else in town. recovery provides the means for me to shift my focus off of myself and see a larger picture. of course if i choose to, i can always return to the chain of thought that IF i had not been sentenced to live where i live by the judicial system, i would not be bemoaning the fact that once again the weather has once again kept me from doing what i want to do. so the battle is once again engaged!
what a bunch of effort that accomplishes nothing. today i can see it for what it was, and what it could be, the chain of lies necessary for me to use one more time, after all, that is what i will tell myself just before i started to fix. the amazing part of all of this, is how easy i could write down the chain of lies that leads to the BIG ONE, that i can use just once. that is a lie for sure, but the one i NEED to accept, IF i want to choose to use today, which right here and right now, is not what i want to do. what i do want to do, is get moving into something productive, as it did snow several inches overnight,, and as the sun is sort of peeking through the clouds, i do think the next right thing would be to go outside and rearrange the snow one more time. into the breech i go, just for today.

∞ DT ∞