Blog entry for:

of living life without the use of drugs, that seem to affect me most strongly. without a doubt, still to this day, it is those minor distractions and annoyances that drive me nutz! even though i have some time clean, even though i strive to live a program of ACTIVE recovery and even though the steps are an integral part of my life, the little things twang my last nerve more than anything else. when this happens, there are a few of paths i can go down.
the first is the one i learned, and adapted in active addiction to survive, namely me as the victim. i rail at the injustice and unfairness of it all. i blame someone or something else, and i rationalize way all my responsibility with a few quick thoughts about how i cannot possibly be wrong and how i was born to suffer. this action is so ingrained in me, that i still fall back to it as my default action when i am getting annoyed by the petty and small trials that constitute life as a human being.
the second path is the one i learned in early recovery, while i do not accept it, and it is still unfair and a major injustice, i MUST tolerate it. with my jaw clenched and my blood pressure rising, i say a quick prayer, take a deep breath, and do my best not to obsess on it for the next few hours. i am still the victim in this scenario, and i get to act-out when the frustration i just swallowed resurfaces in a a few hours, but at least it is an attempt to let go.
finally, the path i like to choose and the one that has come with great practice is to just accept that life is life, and although i would love everything to go my way smoothly and without hiccups, the real world just does not work like that. i accept that whatever is happening, is happening, attach no emotional value to it, admit that i am frustrated by it and alter my plans to fit this new reality.
the last choice, by all the means the healthiest, is still the hardest one for me to adopt 24/7. it has become easier over time. it has become more automagic as i practice it. the HOPE is, that if i continue on the path i am on, it will become the default behavior instead of a conscious choice. i also know that when that happens, i will probably be some sort of saint, so in the continuum of the victim to acceptance, i strive for acceptance and do not beat myself up for falling a bit short.
what does that mean for today? well i do the work that is currently on my desk, i take care of the responsibilities i have agreed to take care of, and i move forward into this day expecting some minor bumps in the road, and letting myself be okay with being frustrated and moving on. for me, that will be part of a successful day on this side of the dirt.
on that note it is time to take care of all of that, until the next time, see ya later.

∞ DT ∞