Some memes

that get to me, seem to have the BIGGEST effect on the balance i have received from living a program of recovery. i have to admit it, i gripe a whole lot about the stuff i see that is wrong in my life. i deflect any meaningful conversations that may have consequences i do not desire. i make allusions and attempt to be subtle with those who are the most opaque to what is going on around them, to **spare** their feelings carrying around the **slime** i feel after interacting with them. i pretend to be above the fray, even when i am being ground into dust by life on its own terms. i tell myself that all of these choices are all about living an active program of recovery, when in reality, they are symptoms of addiction running rampant in my life. it is no wonder that the easiest targets get the full wrath of my frustrations with life, when they are actually the smallest part of what is going on in my life.
this week, is challenging in and of itself to me. i do not do “spring ahead” very well and end up overtired and itching to take on a fight. the stuff in my life that is not “acceptable” to me, “triggers” my aggression and snide, superior attitude, when i am dealing with the minions of my ire, and yes there are certainly more these days that in recent times. COVID-19 and the current administration are keeping me in a slow burn, that the smallest infraction is capable of sending me into a rage. as much as try to let go of the money i have already spent, on my upcoming vacations, i walk in FEAR that money has been flushed, as the world is about to go on lock-down. politics does not help, especially the “mixed” message tweets, coming out from “on-high.” i spend my time fretting and fuming, when in reality i am seriously powerless over whether i will get to go, or not. the reading this morning may have been speaking about those little annoyances that can drive me to distraction, as well as the real “biggies.” what it did not speak to directly, is the situation that is driving my emotional state, somewhere between a mountain and a molehill, more like a foothill. i guess the advice that i need to take from the reading is similar, let it go, share with my trusted peers and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to care for my will and my life, just for today.
letting go of this whole world of “what-if” seems to be what i heard this morning. i may only get to the office twice this week, but if i choose to look at that as a privilege, instead of a burden, maybe the rest of my angst can really fade into the background and i can surrender my will and m y life into the care of the competent “hands” that have brought me this far.

∞ DT ∞