Blog entry for:

that to an addict, a flat tire is a traumatic event. oftentimes, that is the case for me as well. the decision i put off implementing for the past week, is now in force, and the addict on the other end,m is far from happy for either my decision or the amount evidence i weighed to reach it. i could write all kinds of notions about what it may feel like to him. i could but all of that would be theoretical and certainly contrary to what this writing exercise is all about, at least today.
i can tell you how i feel this morning, twelve hours after the deed was done. for the first time, in perhaps years, when i think of him, i am not full of simmering anger. for the first time in weeks i no longer have to cast a wary eye at my phone when it rings. for the first time in years, i feel free from the chains that i willingly created for myself.
those chains were forged link by link by me believing that as long as i gave him what he thought he needed, there was HOPE for him. as long as he felt that there was someone in his corner, he would keep coming back. i believed i had that sort of power and created the whole ecosystem of co-dependence there and maintained it because i believed it was what i needed to do. the genesis of this sick relationship hearken back to a time when i was less like i am today, and believed that the number of friends i had, the higher my esteem within my community and the high the esteem within my community, the more self-esteem i felt. yes, back in those days, the more men i sponsored the more worth i felt, and this relationship was the last of those forged in that time of my life and my recovery. as painful as it was for me, to say no, suffer b!tch, it was the next right thing to do and as a result of torching those chains, i slept through the night for the first time in weeks. i am certain this morning, that moving forward, if he chooses to ever call me again, now i can be his equal and peer, at least in my own eyes.
as minor as that may seem and even be in the large scheme of things, that was my latest mountain-sized molehill. after all, how i think i look to those around me, is a driving force for how i behave. i can now see, that as i grow up in recovery, that notion needs to be removed and is beyond my power to do so. this part of me, as useful as it once was for me, is starting to outlive it usefulness and is becoming a hindrance, instead of an asset. all it took was a bit of mountain deflation and seeing myself and one relationship for what it is and has been for quite sometime, for me to see that i need to let go of it. in fact, the anger i felt a week or so ago at the meeting is tied to the exact same defective behavior, as that relationship comes from the same era and now that i think about it, feels exactly the same. it is me that needs and wants to get better, not those addicts. it is me who can feel okay, just the way i am today, whether or not either of those addicts are a part of my life or even acknowledge i exist. this morning, i can confidently walk out into the world knowing, that just for today, doing the next right thing may feel tough and hurt, but that does not make it any less of the next right thing. today i can move forward knowing that it is me, who blows things out of proportion and that if i want to keep getting what i have got, all i got to do, is what they have told me to do from the very start. it is after all, a just for today program.

∞ DT ∞