Blog entry for:

no one nor anything can make me happy. i have found that when i place service to others ahead of my own desires, i live a more contented, harmonious life. what a dangerous trap, trying to make myself happy. it is quite true, that more than once i have said that i do not stay in recovery to be miserable, but is happiness just not being miserable? i know i am opening quite a can of worms here, and if i stick to the straight and narrow path suggested by the reading today, i can get this exercise done with little time and effort. alas, i am not in one of those moods so with that in mind it is time to wander down a tangential path…
when i was in active addiction, i often felt happy. the catch was, that only seemed to happen when i was high, and that means when i was REALLY HIGH. the times between, i lived in a twilight world of numbed, cold indifference, incapable of feeling much of anything, save rage. i was of the opinion that the next fix, the next partner, the next job, the next adrenalin filled experience would MAKE me happy, hence, i wandered aimlessly across a bleak spiritual plane looking for exactly that, my NEXT portion of happiness. on a animal level, i knew something was missing, and had come to suspect that i would never or could never find happiness. instead of deterring my search, it only made me seek it out that much more. by the time i was forced into recovery, i had lost any HOPE that i could ever be satisfied with my life, and had long ago lost any glimmer of what happiness was and was not. my chemical bliss was sufficient, and it was my priority, job one so to speak.
early recovery, as the effects of the substances wore off, only reinforced that idea. for me, early recovery was a bleak and dreary existence. the only excitement was the roller-coaster of emotions that mad my life a hellish thrill ride for the first six months, and although ecstasy was part of that, there was no real feeling of happiness, except when i was spending money, and that quickly became as dreary as constant drug use.
the miracle did happen for me, somewhere after those first six months in recovery, as i started to live a program i came to know what being happy really was and realized that achieving it was not a task i could set upon to complete, ever. i came to see, that happiness, at least for me, defied explanation, and just was. there seemed to be no rhyme or reason as to when i felt happiness, and everything that i though was happiness was just misidentified emotions. as i work a program of recovery, i have come feel happy most of the time, through the joy i get when i put self-will aside, and do something for unselfish motives for someone else. i am happy today, because i wake up and choose what path my life will take, i am no longer a slave to the unending stream of NEED to get high. i am happy, because i realize that as long as i keep doing what i have been doing, i can be more than i was yesterday. i am living a satisfying life, working on a career that excites me, most of the time, even when the drudge work never seems to stop. mostly, i can feel my emotions today, and have stopped judging them as good or bad, coming to believe they are like the wind, they pass through and will change, i am not going to feel any particular way for very long. the underlying theme here, is that although i may not be able to define what HAPPINESS is, i know what it is not, and defining something by what it is not, is not my way of doing things. what i can say, is that just for today i am not miserable, and because of that i have the ability to be happy in this moment and the rest of the moments that will fill my day. i live life satisfied and content, and getting back to the reading, i can see that is what my happiness may be based upon, or not. with that thought, i will jump into the shower and get moving into this day. it is after all, a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞