Blog entry for:

all i have got, is a skill i have to be reminded to use, as i have a tendency to drop into my internal dialogue and prepare responses, rather than actually hearing what is being said. o yeah, before i get accused of downplaying or minimizing my ability in this respect, i do have to say, most of the time, i am pretty good with listening with my whole self. it was skill i did not possess when i came to recover and one with which i was instantly gifted. it has been a skill i needed to develop and that development takes a bit of time. it is a good thing that time is what i have to give.
this morning, as i sat in my home group, i think i triggered the “triple agent” who is the temporary chair of the meeting, when i shared about my experience with attending meetings of more than one fellowship. that was not my intent and his share down-played his cross fellowship experience. the fact is, i went to two fellowships because i had no desire to be a member of either one, i wanted to be different so i could walk away when the sword of the justice system was removed from my life. i am grateful today that i finally woke up and started to actually listen to what the members of those fellowships were offering and chose the one that has become my home. when i heard that the only promise was freedom from active addiction, i was unsure of where i belonged, as i had yet to accept i was an addict of any sort. looking back on those days, i am struck dumb about how high my wall of denial was and how well i had adapted to telling myself the lies in needed to tell myself, so that i could feel better about who i was. that was only the first of the lies that shaped who i am to be dispelled and across the course of my journey through the recovery process, i have found many more, when i was ready to see them for what they were: tools to keep me sick and suffering. there may be a few more, but just for today, i can be certain that i am living life as the best me, i can be, at this time and that is more than enough to be grateful for, right here and right now.

∞ DT ∞