โ i was and still can be equally afraid of failure and success โ
Posted: Thu, May 27, 2010 08:16:29 AM
each time i decline a challenge, i suffer a loss of self-esteem. by working the program as suggested by those who have gone before me, i have found the tools that i need to successfully meet any challenge.
so i have been stuck over this topic the past few years, as i picked the exact same seed year after year, speaking of challenges and who knows what. this morning i heard something else, i heard about the source of POWER i need to confront my FEAR and find the courage to rise to the challenges of this day. the FEAR i am speaking about is the FEAR of failure competing within me at the same precedence as the FEAR of success. these two FEARS drive me towards a state of doing nothing and allowing the default action to occur, which most of the time is neither failure nor success, but something in between that ends up being more unpalatable than either of the extremes. at least if i fail or succeed, it is the result of doing something, rather than waiting for something to happen. when i live in that state of cowardice, i get to absolve myself of any responsibility. which looks like a good thing, at least on the surface, after all, i am so fVcking powerless. so living in that state, looks like i am just living as the 1st step suggests, and if i was only thirty days clean and never worked a step, perhaps i could get away with that sort of behavior. in fact, i could even look good while doing so, and bemoaning the fact that i am without any power over this and that. i could cry everyone a river and accept the comfort of those who have come to support me.
i am, however, in such a state of recovery, i have few thirty days clean, and have worked more than the 1st STEP, way more, so living in a default world, paralyzed by equally powerful FEARS is not a desirable state for me any longer. i have discovered, that although there are consequences for deciding to face the challenges of the day, instead of waiting to see how they play out, i ‘feel’ better when i actually do something. i GET to be responsible for my own consequences and i GET to judge whether i was a success or a failure and most importantly i GET TO LEARN what i need to learn, so the next time this particular challenge arises i can make a better informed choice of how to handle it. my so-called spiritual toolbox gets a new addition and most importantly, i advance just that much further up the road to becoming the person i want to be. so it is off to hit the streets while it is still cool and calm and before the landscapers get here. it is another great day to be clean, and right here and right now i choose to live in the miracle that recovery has created for me.
so i have been stuck over this topic the past few years, as i picked the exact same seed year after year, speaking of challenges and who knows what. this morning i heard something else, i heard about the source of POWER i need to confront my FEAR and find the courage to rise to the challenges of this day. the FEAR i am speaking about is the FEAR of failure competing within me at the same precedence as the FEAR of success. these two FEARS drive me towards a state of doing nothing and allowing the default action to occur, which most of the time is neither failure nor success, but something in between that ends up being more unpalatable than either of the extremes. at least if i fail or succeed, it is the result of doing something, rather than waiting for something to happen. when i live in that state of cowardice, i get to absolve myself of any responsibility. which looks like a good thing, at least on the surface, after all, i am so fVcking powerless. so living in that state, looks like i am just living as the 1st step suggests, and if i was only thirty days clean and never worked a step, perhaps i could get away with that sort of behavior. in fact, i could even look good while doing so, and bemoaning the fact that i am without any power over this and that. i could cry everyone a river and accept the comfort of those who have come to support me.
i am, however, in such a state of recovery, i have few thirty days clean, and have worked more than the 1st STEP, way more, so living in a default world, paralyzed by equally powerful FEARS is not a desirable state for me any longer. i have discovered, that although there are consequences for deciding to face the challenges of the day, instead of waiting to see how they play out, i ‘feel’ better when i actually do something. i GET to be responsible for my own consequences and i GET to judge whether i was a success or a failure and most importantly i GET TO LEARN what i need to learn, so the next time this particular challenge arises i can make a better informed choice of how to handle it. my so-called spiritual toolbox gets a new addition and most importantly, i advance just that much further up the road to becoming the person i want to be. so it is off to hit the streets while it is still cool and calm and before the landscapers get here. it is another great day to be clean, and right here and right now i choose to live in the miracle that recovery has created for me.
∞ DT ∞