Blog entry for:

when i was finally beaten, i finally became willing to at least admit that there may be a problem, regardless of what i thought the problem happened to be. i was certain it was just the drugs and that it could not possibly be me. what a eye-popping revelation i had when i finally came to and found out what exactly the real problem happened to be, ME!
this is of course, one of my favorite lines from the BASIC TEXT as it has always applied to me, and of all the stuff that applied, this line spoke to me the most, right from the start, well not quite, more correctly right from the start of my process of accepting the program as a way of living, almost 18 months after i finally decided i needed this recovery gig, and after my nearly disastrous gig of self-sponsorship. i can say with a straight face, that surrender came difficult to me, and even today after a few days in a row clean, i still struggle with surrender. it sometimes amazes me, how others can appear to do this surrender thing with little of the turmoil and angst i seem to have, and at times i wonder if i am missing something. of course, when i start down that path, i am playing into the hands of the part of me i call addiction. here is where i start to separate myself from the pack. here is the start of where i become somehow different and yes unique. here is where my terminal cool kicks in. and so it goes…
i have no doubts about what i am today: an addict in recovery. i can accept that 100% most of the time. there are stretches of time in my life when i do not want to accept that, and the length of the stretches has varied from seconds to months and gasp even years, or at least a year and a half. that is of course the problem, and it is one i share with many of my fellows travelers. the solution? well of course it is the program and my active participation in that program, living steps, listening for the answers and <GASP> surrendering to that program. do i like this? whether or not i like being in active recovery is irrelevant, what i do like is the consequences of living an active program. you know the miracle of waking up this morning and having the strong desire to stay clean, no matter what! that is a consequence i like, and one that i want to foster, at least for today. which of course means that just for today, i have to get off of my high horse and surrender to the program that keeps millions of us clean, today and every day. it really is that simple, and today i am willing to do just that.
so it is off to the showers, then off to the outside office and into this day with the knowledge that today, i can be more than i was yesterday, if i allow myself to surrender once again to the principles of HONESTY, OPEN-MINDEDNESS and WILLINGNESS.

∞ DT ∞