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i fought so hard to deny my powerlessness, after all, once i surrendered to that fact, recovery became so much easier for me. once again, i hear the words of my recalcitrant former sponsee, ringing my ears while i start to formulate my plan for getting this all down into bits and bytes. time and again, i have asked him, why he thinks he is so fVcking different, and his answer each and every time, has been he is not BUT…
for me, i finally get that, i was DIFFERENT and quite certain that this 12 STEP recovery stuff was not for me. not only did i NOT want what others had, i was fairly certain that they were just fronting that they were content and comfortable in their own skins, after all, IF they really i used like i did, well i would expect them to be way different than they were portraying. ironically, now i iz one of those i used to believe were fronting what was really going on in their lives. one of the gifts of being clean for more than a day or two, is the ability to be able to look back and see where i came from. ironically where i started from, is not all that different than my friend, the ONLY difference is, that i stopped fighting and finally accepted that IF i wanted something more than i had, and i did, THAN i was going to need to do something way different, hence here i sit a few days later, wondering what the fVck went right.
it all comes down to surrender and the semantics of that word. language in and of itself is quite neutral, but there are certain words that have connotations that felt distasteful or unpleasant to me, and surrender was one of those words. what it came down to for me, was to look at what i was doing when i surrendered, which was i stopped fighting, rather than “giving up.” it ended up being that simple, i turned a passive, and for negatively charged act, into and active one, with a flip of a switch. regardless, of the benefits of that flip of a switch, i still resist and wear myself out fighting stuff from time to time, after all that one surrender is different than what i have to cease fighting today, i have some clean time and…
yes i hear the absurdity of that argument, and it is not until i put it down on papa er that i realize what freak i am. i forget that it really is simple, all i have to do is cease fighting, and allow what is going to happen, to happen. most of the time, i am pleased with the outcome, even though it takes some time to finally resolve. look at where i am now, as a result of the admission that i am powerless over addiction.
today? well sixty days ago i surrendered to the fact that if i want to keep the job i have been contracting for, then i needed to do something different. i had to pitch in, become a part of the team and show that i really could fit into a corporate mold. i may still be a round peg in a very square hole, but i can wear it well and accept that is how it was meant to be, my vision for myself, has taken another step forward. unless there is a tectonic shift of some sort in my professional life, i am right where i need to be, and i can be content that i have met part of my goals for me, the next step is to become well-versed in the development tools and hone my skills for my next career move, whenever that opportunity arises.
recovery-wise? well there too, i am right where i never thought i would be, looking across the better part of two decades clean and wondering why i ever doubted that this sh!t would work for me. if i knew then what i know now…

∞ DT ∞