Blog entry for:

that i can control anything and everything, is still strong in this one. even after a few days clean, i still have trouble accepting and surrendering that there are just a few things that i can actually control, even though i am quite certain, using is one thing that i WILL NEVER be able to control. time and again, i am knocked down by my DESIRE to fight and time and again i go right back at it, believing that this time will be the time i successfully control the outcome. i seem to have selective amnesia, especially when DESIRE kicks into full gear. this morning, as i actually allowed myself to listen, what came to me was to continue pounding away at the job boards, keep taking those calls and have just a bit of FAITH that my next gig is out there, waiting to be revealed to me.
yesterday, was not a good day for me. all my Amazon purchases had to be sent back, because they were missing items or the wrong size was shipped. i was dissuaded from going up for a position that would have required an intense interview from people way above my skill level. it was my Dad's first birthday, since he died and i had to eat dinner alone, as my life partner had hair to do in Boulder. i truly lost a bit of heart and did not pull out my training videos. i felt as if everything i am doing has no benefit in my day-to-day life, so why bother. i get like that from time to time, and yesterday was one of those times. where i do know i am going to succeed, is i WILL summit a fourteener tomorrow morning and look out across the top of the world once again. i will make the final return of my shopping spree,as i am unwilling to settle for less than exactly what i want. i will stay clean. just for today and the rest is just gravy.
today? well today, i get that if i cease fighting, i just might find the serenity and peace of mind i am seeking. i may want to dwell in the house of pain built by yesterday's failures or i can take a lesson or three from that and apply them to moving forward in my life today. i cannot control when i will find my new job, but i can keep plugging away with sharpening my skills and taking those calls. i cannot control whether or not my Mom will finally wake-up and start taking care of herself, but i can keep being there for her. i certainly cannot control the sadness, disappointment or other “negative” feelings i have, but i can accept hen and cease trying to suppress them. i can, however, get my workout togs on and get some steps in, before the heat gets too much to stand, as i am certain that a few thousand steps will make me feel a bit better about myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞