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although the seed for this blog speaks of the TENTH STEP, what i heard this morning was all about accepting who i am. it is true that my life has seemed to be all about looking like i am someone different, and that part of my insanity has led me to where i am today.
at the meeting last night, i had one of those ‘AH-HA’ moments that seem to becoming more frequently today. it is difficult for me to accept that i may actually have redeeming characteristics and that i have experience that others may want me to share with them. i know all the so-called ‘BAD’ stuff very well, and have taken great care to hide that from the world in general. i can already feel that being and showing who and what i am to that same world will take a letting go who i think i am and allowing myself to show who i really am.
i know who crazy that sounds and the deeper i dig, the more complicated it becomes and the steps are not, in my opinion, about making my life more complicated. the steps are all about untwisting the lies that permeate my internal dialogue from reality, and learning how to appropriately respond, not to those lies, but to the reality of living life on life's terms.
so what was that moment last night night? while i was sharing i realized that in my early recovery, i so wanted to be like all those addicts i saw in the room that i reverted to the chameleon behavior of looking ‘as if’ i was on the road to recovery, when the reality was if i acted that way i would NEVER become like those men and women in recovery. i could look like them but in my heart of hearts i NEVER wanted to be them, after all, that would preclude my original plan of returning to a life of active addiction as soon as the sword was lifted from over my head. addicts like i was back in those days, do not recover and the fact that i am still in the rooms, more committed than ever to recovery is a miracle beyond explanation. ever since that paradigm replacement, there has been an internal struggle between who i thought i was and who i am becoming. this struggle has come to a head over the past few years, especially as i continue my cyclical journey through the steps.
where does that leave me here and now? learning how to take a leap of FAITH of moving into a THIRD STEP with no plan in mind, no attachment to an outcome and learning to allow the process to happen. in short, making the final transition into a FAITH based program. leaving the FEAR-based program behind. it is apt that this is coming to a head at thirteen years clean, as in many societies this is where the rites of passage into manhood are performed. the spiritual equivalent for me, is a passage into becoming something more, allowing the grunge that has been attached to me to fall away.
in the cold clear morning light i see and more importantly i FEEL what i need to do today. stop thinking, stop talking and just be, no matter how hard that may be. with that in mind i think i will jump in the shower, finish my correspondence and move into the next task of today, which is a bit of work before my massage.

∞ DT ∞