Blog entry for:

as a matter fact. i CAN BE as MISERABLE as i want to be! it is always amazing to me, how there are days when that is just where i want to be, and any attempt by any of the people who love and care for me, to help me move out of that spot, is rudely denied. however, and yes i know i started a sentence with however, before i get rolling into voluntary misery and me there is a quick shout out i NEED to do

CONGRATS on 9 YEARS CLEAN,
Tim M
Keep Coming Back!

alright where was i? oh that's right i was thinking about being a victim to my self-created misery. well i was getting around to that, i do not think i had gone there quite yet. so here it is, in the darkest period of the solar year, i am not high and for some reason i am not laying in bed with my pillow over my head moaning about how awful life can be. i DO have seasonally affected depression, but the longer i stay clean, the less and less it affects me. or so it seems. it could be because i follow an exercise regime. it could be, that i am eating more healthfully these days. it could be that i am taking better care of myself. or it could be that this whole S.A.D. was a whole bunch of hogwash for me. while that may be convenient, there are still some persistent symptoms present in my life, what is different today, is that i no longer dwell on them. i acknowledge what is going on, look at what i need to do, then move on to the best of my ability. as the reading was suggesting, this may not make me any happier or get rid of my S.A.D., but it keeps me from rolling around in the sh!tty place of my self-created misery. i am not saying that there are not real mental health issues out there, what i am saying is that i can take what may be a minor quirk in mental makeup and blow it up until it becomes debilitating. then of course, i GET to be a victim, after all, poor me, poor me, i suffer from…
this is an endemic condition for me. for some reason there is a certain comfort in being a victim, and especially if i can find some part of me, that of course i am powerless over, to be victimized by. i can even get more creative than that, without much effort at all. if i have overspent in the past and am struggling to pay my bills, i can whine about how i am an victim to my lack of impulse control, which as any therapist or counselor will tell you is part of being an “addictive personality.” so now not only am i a victim to metal illness, i am, also a victim to my addiction, so why oh why should i even bother, misery is what i NEED to resign myself to and accept as part of my reality. either that or go back to using, so i have a manner of dimming the pain of being miserable.
what o got from the reading was this, all of the stuff i have talked about, while real. are magnified into being much more prevalent in my life than they need to be. i am not saying that i should ignore REAL issues in my life, nor am i saying i should not face them realistically. what i am saying that despite all of that, i do not have to make myself any more miserable. i can and will move forward and do what i NEED to do today, to be that much better, that much more genuine and that much more whole. i NO LONGER NEED TO PLAY THE VICTIM to that which i cannot control. i can live in the her and now, make the adjustments i need to make and move on. MISERY for me, is a choice, and i suspect that is true for just about everyone else, as well. since i do not walk in their shoes, i can send it right there, with the focus on myself.
with that thought in my head i will sign-off and start getting ready to hit the streets for a quick little workout, life is after all, far too short to make myself miserable.

∞ DT ∞