ยป i once believed i had a wonderful, fulfilling life as a using addict and ยซ
Posted: Sun, Dec 11, 2011 09:32:06 AM
that giving up drugs would be worse than serving a life sentence at hard labor. ironic how things can change after a few days in a row, without the use of drugs. i met with a new sponsee last night, as always we entered my world famous temporary sponsorship agreement, and started our journey together for as long as it lasts. i mention this because he was four years old, when i first stopped using. i mention this because, IF a life of recovery was really as bad as i once believed, i would have been gone many, many, many moons ago, as i have to staying power when it comes to pain and misery. before i start prattling on:
of course, there is always the burying my head in the sand trick, building a denial structure that my misery cannot possibly exist and lying to myself at every twist and turn with one or more juicy rationalizations. the whole spin doctor sort of structure that was also part of my active addiction. ignore the pain and misery and it will eventually go away, or i will!
while either of those two alternatives are possible, and quite honestly have been explored by me, across the course of my recovery, neither is one i want to choose today. this whole little avoidance exercise could go on and on, and in the end, the last option would simply remain, LIVE THE PROGRAM, AND ALLOW WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN, TO HAPPEN!
although i suspect, that my new sponsee chose me, because i was there, it really does not matter. what matters is that I WAS there at a meeting that i avoided at all costs for years on end. it was just to “new-agey” and “touch-feely for me.” i ended-up attending that meeting full-time, because i was on a mission to drag another sponsee back to the program , step by step, before he drifted too far way. i have no regrets about that action, nor do i regret the outcome of adding a meeting to my recovery schedule. it was at a time in my life where i was getting miserable in my recovery, and my so-called mission was a distraction from what was really going on inside me and my life.
the irony of saving my own a$$ while rescuing another friend and addict doe not escape me today. today, i have everything i NEED and more importantly i have the FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide me the means to obtain anything that i NEED to have as well as some stuff that i just want to have as well. which brings me to a funny story about all of that. there was a time in the not so distant past, when i looked at my cigar humidor and wondered when i was going to have to smoke that last one, the one i had been saving forever, as i saw no way of ever laying down any other sticks. the good addict that i am, said a foxhole prayer asking a humidor full of cigars, and then i promptly forgot about it. i assumed that when i started working in full-time gig that was my answer, as now my humidor was starting to fill up week by week. well the REAL answer was NOT YET, Friday night i won a brand spankin' humidor, full of premium cigars, in a raffle at the event i was attending. while meditating yesterday morning, i remembered that foxhole prayer and lo and behold, there was a prayer answered, even though i was far from serious when i asked, and really did not believe that would come true in such a fashion. yet there it is on my desk, at 70° and 70% humidity, holding more cigars than i probably have ever had at any one time since i took up this avocation. is that proof, well i could spin it that way. i could also attribute it to luck of the draw, or simply coincidence. i choose today, to thank the POWER that fuels my recovery for a gift that i would have never received had i chosen an alternative to living a program of recovery. i was there because i am clean and doing my best to live a program. destiny, luck, reward, or the answer to a prayer is actually irrelevant, now that i break it down. it simply is, and nothing more, just another link in the chain of events that make me the man i am today.
that man has some stuff to do, so NEEDS to hop in the shower and get humping and pumping on nmy task list. it is a good day to NOT BE MISERABLE and i will be grateful for that opportunity, right here and right now.
oh yeah GO BRONCOS! ;)
3652 (10 YEARS) of
“just for todays” IN A ROW!
CONGRATS, my friend, TIM M
THANK YOU FOR SHARING IT WITH ME
of course, there is always the burying my head in the sand trick, building a denial structure that my misery cannot possibly exist and lying to myself at every twist and turn with one or more juicy rationalizations. the whole spin doctor sort of structure that was also part of my active addiction. ignore the pain and misery and it will eventually go away, or i will!
while either of those two alternatives are possible, and quite honestly have been explored by me, across the course of my recovery, neither is one i want to choose today. this whole little avoidance exercise could go on and on, and in the end, the last option would simply remain, LIVE THE PROGRAM, AND ALLOW WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN, TO HAPPEN!
although i suspect, that my new sponsee chose me, because i was there, it really does not matter. what matters is that I WAS there at a meeting that i avoided at all costs for years on end. it was just to “new-agey” and “touch-feely for me.” i ended-up attending that meeting full-time, because i was on a mission to drag another sponsee back to the program , step by step, before he drifted too far way. i have no regrets about that action, nor do i regret the outcome of adding a meeting to my recovery schedule. it was at a time in my life where i was getting miserable in my recovery, and my so-called mission was a distraction from what was really going on inside me and my life.
the irony of saving my own a$$ while rescuing another friend and addict doe not escape me today. today, i have everything i NEED and more importantly i have the FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide me the means to obtain anything that i NEED to have as well as some stuff that i just want to have as well. which brings me to a funny story about all of that. there was a time in the not so distant past, when i looked at my cigar humidor and wondered when i was going to have to smoke that last one, the one i had been saving forever, as i saw no way of ever laying down any other sticks. the good addict that i am, said a foxhole prayer asking a humidor full of cigars, and then i promptly forgot about it. i assumed that when i started working in full-time gig that was my answer, as now my humidor was starting to fill up week by week. well the REAL answer was NOT YET, Friday night i won a brand spankin' humidor, full of premium cigars, in a raffle at the event i was attending. while meditating yesterday morning, i remembered that foxhole prayer and lo and behold, there was a prayer answered, even though i was far from serious when i asked, and really did not believe that would come true in such a fashion. yet there it is on my desk, at 70° and 70% humidity, holding more cigars than i probably have ever had at any one time since i took up this avocation. is that proof, well i could spin it that way. i could also attribute it to luck of the draw, or simply coincidence. i choose today, to thank the POWER that fuels my recovery for a gift that i would have never received had i chosen an alternative to living a program of recovery. i was there because i am clean and doing my best to live a program. destiny, luck, reward, or the answer to a prayer is actually irrelevant, now that i break it down. it simply is, and nothing more, just another link in the chain of events that make me the man i am today.
that man has some stuff to do, so NEEDS to hop in the shower and get humping and pumping on nmy task list. it is a good day to NOT BE MISERABLE and i will be grateful for that opportunity, right here and right now.
oh yeah GO BRONCOS! ;)
∞ DT ∞