ยง i continue to give up the misery of active addiction ยง
Posted: Wed, Dec 11, 2013 07:44:48 AM
for the sanity of recovery.
well the day has finally come when i have to face up to some feelings that i have been doing my best to ignore for the past 11 months. what really sucks, is that i am not in the best of spots emotionally, due to the disappearing daylight and now i have to think about betrayal, trust and more than likely some forgiveness.
anyhow, for right now there will be no shout-outs on this day, as the person who used to have this anniversary, finally succumbed to their optional misery, invited a whole bunch more in and used. yes that is an opinion, and no i really do not care what anyone else thinks about it. when i think back to the events of ta year ago, i feel used and betrayed. as a result, i really no longer trust this particular person and have increased my distance emotionally from them. worst of all, i understand what they did, and quite honestly, since appearances are so fVcking important to me, i more than likely would have done the same thing. as my friend Jim E would say,“see how it feels.”
i do see how it feels, and i would not like to have the situation reversed, where those who know and love me, cannot believe a word i say and do not trust me, especially when it comes down to something as simple as my clean date. i would like to say, i knew, and perhaps on some level i did and if i had pressed would have discovered the truth long before i actually did, but that is water over the dam and i am starting to move on. i am certainly hoping that on this day, my misery can be optional as well. as to the other addict, well that choice is certainly up to them, but in my experience i have come to see that maybe they like being miserable, because they certainly do little to lift themselves out of that hole, and perhaps that is such a part of their life, that they have assumed it as part of their identity.
today, i will acknowledge that the season is kicking my butt. i will honestly say, that getting up and going to work, is not something i relish and i really want to do something,m anything, to life the gloom the shorter and shorter days has set upon me. what i will do, is wrap this up, shower and shave and head on over to work. i can go about my life even though i want to dwell in the house of misery, but i certainly know where that little visit will take me, and today, i also am grateful to be a member of the no matter what club.
well the day has finally come when i have to face up to some feelings that i have been doing my best to ignore for the past 11 months. what really sucks, is that i am not in the best of spots emotionally, due to the disappearing daylight and now i have to think about betrayal, trust and more than likely some forgiveness.
anyhow, for right now there will be no shout-outs on this day, as the person who used to have this anniversary, finally succumbed to their optional misery, invited a whole bunch more in and used. yes that is an opinion, and no i really do not care what anyone else thinks about it. when i think back to the events of ta year ago, i feel used and betrayed. as a result, i really no longer trust this particular person and have increased my distance emotionally from them. worst of all, i understand what they did, and quite honestly, since appearances are so fVcking important to me, i more than likely would have done the same thing. as my friend Jim E would say,“see how it feels.”
i do see how it feels, and i would not like to have the situation reversed, where those who know and love me, cannot believe a word i say and do not trust me, especially when it comes down to something as simple as my clean date. i would like to say, i knew, and perhaps on some level i did and if i had pressed would have discovered the truth long before i actually did, but that is water over the dam and i am starting to move on. i am certainly hoping that on this day, my misery can be optional as well. as to the other addict, well that choice is certainly up to them, but in my experience i have come to see that maybe they like being miserable, because they certainly do little to lift themselves out of that hole, and perhaps that is such a part of their life, that they have assumed it as part of their identity.
today, i will acknowledge that the season is kicking my butt. i will honestly say, that getting up and going to work, is not something i relish and i really want to do something,m anything, to life the gloom the shorter and shorter days has set upon me. what i will do, is wrap this up, shower and shave and head on over to work. i can go about my life even though i want to dwell in the house of misery, but i certainly know where that little visit will take me, and today, i also am grateful to be a member of the no matter what club.
∞ DT ∞