โ how reluctant โ
Posted: Sun, Dec 11, 2016 09:04:14 AM
i once was to surrender to recovery. first off, thank you to everyone who reached out to me and gave me their experience, strength and hope about how to deal with the event on Friday night. those who hugged me and said they were sorry, listened to my outpouring of raw emotions and just let me be, but reminded me that they were here for me, i especially appreciated. those who gave advice, no matter how pure your motives, thank you for your offerings, i know there is no sense in what happened, i am powerless over the actions of someone else, most of the time, and the intensity of my sadness and anger will pass. what i have learned from the past few days, is my friends and peers do not need insightful advice, that is if they are anything like me, what i ended up needing was just a comforting shoulder and an expression of your care and concern for me.
today, i am still sad, but my thoughts are not consumed by sadness, remorse and anger. it is not that i have “moved on,” it is that i am starting to reach a new balance within, the world is as it needs to be, i just have to accept that new reality and move forward. yes i can be miserable OR i can accept what has happened, be present with my feelings and not dwell in that house of pain. Brian was not my first peer who could not let go of misery, and i am quite certain he will not be the last. there seems to be within those of us who are part of this privileged 15% an inherent need to feel the wort and pretend it is all for the best, or walk around with a black cloud over our heads, been there, done that got the T-shirt. misery is NOT a feeling, it is a manufactured life-style!
for me, most of the misery i generate comes from my unmet expectations of others and the world in general. oh yeah, and when i fail to meet to expectations, self-imposed, myself. i see all of that and interpret it as the RIGHT to be miserable -- yes i am entitled to my misery -- FVCK YOU VERY MUCH! not being a “grand plan” kind of person means that i do not have that fall back upon. what i have to rely on is what one of my peers says quite often: ̶nothing is FVCKED!” my FAITH leads me to seek the balance in my life, the events that surround me and fill the interwebs each and every day. for every a$$hole bigot or racist i run into, i have to be sure that there is a kind, caring and tolerant other. for every death that hurts me, there is a triumph that fills me with joy. for every single headline that inventories the evils humankind inflicts on others there are thousands, if not millions of quiet kindnesses being perpetrated. there may not be any “grand plan,” but i believe that the world is balanced, most of the time and when a correction needs to be made, it is done, with little or no interference from me.
did my friend and peer Brian, therefore NEED to die? my head and my heart say no. Brian is dead nevertheless, and seeking to fill the empty spot in my life, is not the means for me to achieve the balance i desire. looking for a way out of what i may or may not feel, will not restore that balance either. walking around being miserable is not the plan of my day, even though i still feel anger, sadness and remorse. what i think i will do, on this cloudy Sunday morning, is sweep the less than an inch of precipitation off of my sidewalk, grab a shower and head on over to watch the game with another friend. i can be sad, angry and remorseful without being miserable, because i am quite certain that this too shall pass, all i have to do is let it.
today, i am still sad, but my thoughts are not consumed by sadness, remorse and anger. it is not that i have “moved on,” it is that i am starting to reach a new balance within, the world is as it needs to be, i just have to accept that new reality and move forward. yes i can be miserable OR i can accept what has happened, be present with my feelings and not dwell in that house of pain. Brian was not my first peer who could not let go of misery, and i am quite certain he will not be the last. there seems to be within those of us who are part of this privileged 15% an inherent need to feel the wort and pretend it is all for the best, or walk around with a black cloud over our heads, been there, done that got the T-shirt. misery is NOT a feeling, it is a manufactured life-style!
for me, most of the misery i generate comes from my unmet expectations of others and the world in general. oh yeah, and when i fail to meet to expectations, self-imposed, myself. i see all of that and interpret it as the RIGHT to be miserable -- yes i am entitled to my misery -- FVCK YOU VERY MUCH! not being a “grand plan” kind of person means that i do not have that fall back upon. what i have to rely on is what one of my peers says quite often: ̶nothing is FVCKED!” my FAITH leads me to seek the balance in my life, the events that surround me and fill the interwebs each and every day. for every a$$hole bigot or racist i run into, i have to be sure that there is a kind, caring and tolerant other. for every death that hurts me, there is a triumph that fills me with joy. for every single headline that inventories the evils humankind inflicts on others there are thousands, if not millions of quiet kindnesses being perpetrated. there may not be any “grand plan,” but i believe that the world is balanced, most of the time and when a correction needs to be made, it is done, with little or no interference from me.
did my friend and peer Brian, therefore NEED to die? my head and my heart say no. Brian is dead nevertheless, and seeking to fill the empty spot in my life, is not the means for me to achieve the balance i desire. looking for a way out of what i may or may not feel, will not restore that balance either. walking around being miserable is not the plan of my day, even though i still feel anger, sadness and remorse. what i think i will do, on this cloudy Sunday morning, is sweep the less than an inch of precipitation off of my sidewalk, grab a shower and head on over to watch the game with another friend. i can be sad, angry and remorseful without being miserable, because i am quite certain that this too shall pass, all i have to do is let it.
∞ DT ∞