Blog entry for:

i find the means, ways, and energies to perform tasks that i believe are far beyond my capacity.
some mornings, i find the readings are just a bit wishy-washy for my taste. i know the quotes that are used come from literature that is fellowship approved and protected, and as such was written by committee. as such, they are often watered down with conditionals and vague semi-assertions, so they fit the broadest audience possible. i am actually grateful for that foresight, as if they were zeroed in on me, the way i alter them today. i probably would have left the fellowship long ago, without getting the gift of recovery. with a few changes, i am off and running speaking about performing beyond my capabilities.
so remarkable events, what the hell do i mean? since i came to recovery with a certain belief system, which did not preclude or include a HIGHER POWER, prayer was one of those actions that was difficult for me to get a handle upon. sure, i wanted to stay clean, and sure i wanted to follow direction, because of my FEAR of relapse, so i did as i was directed to do, got down on my knees every morning and night. in the morning i asked to stay clean, and at night i expressed my gratitude for being kept clean, even though i did not believe i was doing anything but going through the motions. i stayed clean, i found my place in the fellowship i truly belonged to, and i GOT TO work out for myself, what this whole conscious contact gig is for me. i could go on about my spiritual journey and where i am today, but i have other days to do that, and the reading spoke of living beyond my capabilities through the grace of the POWER GREATER that fuels my recovery. so while a digression is fun, i really need to get down to where i was going.
so anyhow, those halfhearted prayers, that were based in FEAR, had immediate results. i GOT the desire to work steps and i CAME to believe that someday the obsession to use would be lifted, and the most miraculous part, I DID NOT USE. that simple asking and thanking action, gave me the power to stay clean, in those awful, painful early days of my recovery journey. there it was in plain sight, i was already performing feats beyond my capabilities. this daily event became the core of the FAITH that i have today, that as long as i do this gig, i will receive the grace to stay clean today, and much, much more.
dealing with the petty frustrations that are normal everyday living in the real world. slow lines, bad drivers, uncooperative technology and on and on and on, is something that seems quite ordinary, after all, the so-called normal world deals with it as well, and somehow does not feel the NEED to go out and get FUBAR every single day. i am, however, not part of that camp. i get to the point where everyday frustrations feel like a personal affront to me, and as my emotional tide rises, i have the desire to keep it from boiling over. back in the day, there was a chemical solution for this problem and in early recovery a behavior one. today, at least for me, there is a spiritual solution, namely a bit of quiet time, a quick dip into conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery, and voilà i can cope with and handle the situation i find myself in. the amazing thing is, that i actually allow myself the opportunity to seek a different way instead of trying to alter the way i feel. all of this is based on the fact that this addict, who used ever single day for the better part of 26 years, has not had to use, since the day i accepted that i HAD to find this new way of living. the same action that keeps me clean, keeps me from letting the frustrations of my day not going according to my plans build up on me and start to weigh me down. that doe not mean i DO NOT get frustrated, angry, short or curt, heck that day is yet to come, it just means i have a way out that does not involve doing something destructive to myself, and the world around me. i have a choice and i often make that choice today and that is one of the miracles of having a spiritual manner of living, a spiritual solution for dealing with the mundane and profane events that litter my life.
anyhow, today i pray for the humility to go to area and walk away without doing anything foe which i will need to make amends or admit where i was wrong. after all, if i can get through the desire to alter strong painful emotions, i can successfully navigate the personalities and events of service committee happenings, it is after all a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞