Blog entry for:

the danger is that i may forget that my first priority is to stay clean. for me, it can be hard to remember what my priorities are from day to day, especially when it comes to doing what i need to do. a lot of my recovery is based on ingrained habits, good ones, but habits nevertheless. the problem with living in a habitual manner is that i can forget the WHY of what i am doing and lose my focus. just like using and all of the attendant behaviors of active addiction became habitual to me, i see recovery following down that same path. while i am certain that the habitual part of recovery is a good thing, i see how the good time could be a trap, even when i am doing what kept me clean, back in the day.
i starting praying, way back when, twice a day, on my knees, because i was told to. yes i went to a meeting a day for way longer than 90 days because i was told to. yes i had and actually used my sponsor. yes, i read the literature every day and i worked steps with a sponsor. i did all of that with a minimum of resistance, because i was told that i was too smart to recover and the whole THINK, THINK, THINK slogan did not apply to me. quite honestly, i behaved like the superstitious peasant i so desperately wanted to avoid becoming. i did and it worked.
well the on my knees part is way gone, the borrowed HIGHER POWER concept has been tossed into the bit bucket, the 10th and 11th STEPS have been added to my daily routine, and i understand why i do all of those things, even if they have become habitual. long gone, are the days of doing stuff just because you tell me i should, in fact the whole should concept is rapidly becoming extinct in my internal ecosystem.
understanding why, and remembering that my top priority today is to stay clean, are not the same thing. the reading talks about the things that slip away over time, and for me, that does not apply. i do what i have always done, BUT i do not do it with the sense of gravity that i once had. more days than not, i am just phoning it in, and that is where the trap of the good times enters into the picture. since stuff is going so well, i forget it is because of the foundation that days and days of doing this gig in a row has laid down. i forget that it is not my effort alone that can and does keep me clean. i forget where i came from, that dark, angry cynical place, where i saw nothing but the worse in everything i observed. so readings like the one this morning remind me to take a look at not only what i am doing, but for me, much more imperatively, my attitudes towards my active recovery program and where i place that program on my daily heap of priorities. i am grateful that i woke up clean this morning, without the desire to use, and was capable of choosing to live today in active recovery. being reminded of where i could return to is an excellent way to get up and running. so i will close with this thought:
if staying clean is not my top priority today, how can i possible expect to do so?

∞ DT ∞