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means i do not need to be a doormat to anyone, nor do i need to buy into someone playing a martyr. this morning, i had the opportunity to practice my values, while i dealt with both of those behaviors, from the same person, one right after another. i may not have wanted to play those games, and i did not. the thing i do not get, is they keep saying they want to have an “adult” conversation with me, but the have they TV blasting and their nose down in a game on their tablet. i am not sure if they have a clue at all, about the message that behavior sends, but it certainly has opened my eyes to my own. IF i want to talk to someone, i NEED to put aside anything that distracts me from the conversation, PERIOD!
looking at the weather report, i may not be able to make my trip down to see my sponse on Friday. what i am not going to do, is worry about whether the weather will be amenable to that drive and just keep moving forward in doing what i need and even want to do. as i sit with this stuff, these feelings and the garbage i have stirred up, i am getting a sense of who i really want to be. what i do not want is to fall back into the same old trap of lying to myself until i accept it as TRUTH. i may not be wholes, genuine and self-aware yet, but i am certainly not broken. it is ironic that i have nibbled around the edges of that realization for so long, and NOW, when times are weird, all of a sudden, it becomes evident. the theme of being broken, has popped up before. this time however, i can see that it has been part of who i thought i was for long enough to take a reality of its own. i cannot deny that reality anymore, because that barrier is keeping me from actualizing who i am.
on a bit more upbeat note, i decided that i need to have a few more “light” workout days than i have been doing lately. i may not be injuring myself, but i am certainly not improving my times or my stamina. what i think is happening, is that my body is too worn out, to keep getting more athletic, as i am well on my way to being fit. i have yet to settle on a number of easy-peasey days, but i think two days a week should be the floor and that i can accept without a single reservation, as i have the ability to once again run a 10K road race. i do see my priorities shifting and my desire to continue my recovery, still is on the top of that list. i may have been a bit slack on my meeting attendance last week, but i did not go crazy and i certainly did further my goal;s to be ready for the nicotine test that is coming up in April. it is a good day to get some stuff done, get the dawg out for a jaunt and donate more of my “fat” clothes to Goodwill. time to put this baby top bed and get moving on what i want to get accomplished.

∞ DT ∞