Blog entry for:

well this has been quite the week and i have been through the wringer in so many ways. however, i am more satisfied by where i am now, and i have corrected almost everything that was was stressing me out. i am looking forward to what can be a peaceful weekend, and if it seems like i am ignoring Thursday and Friday, that is by design, i know those days exist, i know i have stuff to do, all in all, i am not looking past them REALLY!
being myself, that has always been the trick. i would have and did say, that i could only be myself, when i walked into the rooms all those days ago. that statement was not false, it was not however true either, as the uncovery process of the steps has revealed over time. back in active addiction,m i was whoever i needed to be, to get whatever i happened to want. i learned early on, that being who i though i was, was not going to get me what i wanted, so learning to adapt who i was to the ever shifting social situations i found myself in, was not only a survival skill, it became who i was, everyone and no one. so to say that i was myself when i came to recovery was quite true, however, the person i was is not the person i am today, nor is it the person i am becoming.
so speaking in all these mixed tenses about what was and what will be gets a bit confusing for me. the real point is that i am a person today, who loves himself, most of the time, respects himself most of the time and is ready to allow himself to change into the man he has always wanted to be, most of the time. it would be wonderful to not have to qualify anything with the most of the time modifier, and if i was healthier, it would not be necessary. it is as it is, and moving forward i know that most of the time will grow, and those times that is am disrespectful and punishing of myself will diminish, with one very certain proviso: THAT I DO NOT USE, NO MATTER WHAT!
well there is a bit more than simple abstinence for this to continue, but without abstinence nothing else is possible. once i enter active addiction again, all bets are off! only by practicing a program of active recovery can i continue to change and get more clues about who i am, and here we go again, who i was and who i can be. the gift that keeps on giving, is something i can do for myself, and as i do so, i become myself, so i can be myself. and so it goes…
the time has come to hit the streets, running, literally. that is also a gift of recovery, the desire to take care of myself and as a result, be a little bit less of a man. so into the breech i go!

∞ DT ∞