Blog entry for:

look at those things which i may consider are just not me, is certainly worth exploring these days. this morning, as i look back over the past twenty-four hours, i can keep tripping over an interaction i had yesterday afternoon, when the other party got all defensive and snippy as they tried to deny their lies to me. what they seemed to forget was that i saw them often enough to know what was going on and no matter how much smoke and mirrors they wanted to erect, what they said they did, hardly matched what they actually did. it really does not matter, because with the requirements of my new job, i will be interacting with them a whole lot less and their enablers will have full reign. i realized that last night when i was doing my TENTH STEP and had to look at my part in this relationship. no matter how hard i push, they will do what they will do and it is up to them if they want to continue to maximize their minimal efforts. i am done attempting to push them towards what they “need” to do and can accept that they will do what they “want” to do and accept the consequences of their decisions.
once upon a time, not all that long ago, i was in a similar situation. i needed to get clean, but it was only the threat of incarceration that provided the impetus for me to do so. i have heard it said, many times since i got clean, that what drove me to the rooms is not all that important, it was what happened once i got here, that really matters. what happened was that after trying my best to eliminate the need to become a member, i finally saw that there was life beyond active addiction and mere abstinence. that life has always been available to me, but addiction prevented me from having the desire to live it. as a result, i dragged the bottom of society for quite some time, medicating away the internal pain that made me feel “too different” to let my real self show. that paradigm has plagued me until my FIFTH STEP last year, when all of that tension was finally released and i gave myself permission to live who i was, instead of pretending to be what i was not. without that release, i would not have had the ability to bring my Dad home to die, i would have had him shuttered away down in Lakewood to “cure” his sick heart, even though i “knew” that was not what he wanted.
so this morning, instead of worrying about how anyone else will choose to care for themselves, i will just take care of myself. that means getting dressed out and hitting the pavement. that means paying my bills and doing what i said i would. that means that when asked, i will be honest as to how i am feeling and when i am not “okay” say so. just for today, i will allow my insides to be reflected on my outside and not worry about whether or not that is pleasing to anyone else. life is so much easier in that mode.

∞ DT ∞