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is not a very easy task these days. over the course of the last year, as i stalled on my FOURTH STEP, that step worked me over pretty good, and the FIFTH STEP, destroyed the lie i had based my identity upon, specifically that i was broken. on top of all of that, my parents are not aging well, and i have stepped into a role which entails a whole lot of responsibility and interaction with someone i am trying to find a path to forgive. the “spiritual Cuisinart” is slicing, dicing and mixing everything into something that is beyond my ken and the FEAR that has consumed me for so long, is taking on a new dimension.
the last forty-eight hours, have been especially troublesome, as i had to decide what was the best way forward for my sick and dying Dad. the truth is, i do not want him to die and would prefer to have ALL possible medical avenues explored before consigning him to “fading to black.” in honoring his wishes and under the advisement of my Mom, my brothers and sisters, we have started a process that is akin to “pulling the plug.” today, i have to go and sign the paperwork that will bring him home and basically allows him to be comfortable and see what happens. based on the information provided, that is the best way forward for him, even though it is ripping me apart inside. in this instance, it sucks to be me today, and i want to numb out my feelings, run away form my responsibilities and come back in six months when it is more than likely going to be all “over.” it would be a lie to say anything different.
what i will do instead, is pull up my “big boy” pants and allow myself the FREEDOM to see where i am going, as i walk through my FEAR, Uncertainty and Doubt. there may not be a “plan” promulgated from GOD, but there is a rhythm of life, for sure. my life has been based on a lie and even if i cannot grasp who i am becoming, i have to trust in my FAITH in the steps and the recovery process, that who i will become, is who i have always wanted to be, even if i have no idea of who that really is.
this morning,. as i step out to get my steps in, i will leave my phone and music behind and disconnect from the world for those sixty minutes, and allow myself the FREEDOM to just be human and quiet. this tiny slice of digital detox may not bring any clarity, resolution or “bright ideas.” there are times when all of a sudden, i have a flash of insight about the next right thing to do is, and this morning, leaving all that behind, is what this addict needs to do and be content that when i return, i will be better able to deal with all the stuff that will end-up on my plate today.

∞ DT ∞