Blog entry for:

i find it easier to deal with the pain and confusion. as i sit here this morning, pondering where to go and what to do, i am struck with a sense of irony about the title that this reading has been given, “maintaining FAITH”. the irony in that, is FAITH seems to be one of those attributes one either has or has not. one of those few binary states in human existence, or so i believed before i started to work on developing some FAITH on my own. i can understand maintaining my physical fitness or maintaining my car or house, but maintaining something as transient as as elusive as the abstract concept of FAITH, feels like a tough nut to swallow. which of course brings me to the entry point for my written discussion of what is going on in m head this morning.
like a lot of things that i thought i KNEW, FAITH is something that i am only coming to finally get a grasp on today. my FAITH is a product of my spiritual fitness, and although it is a binary state, i either have it or i do not, it is also a state that can have a quantity attached to it, namely i can have a little FAITH or have great FAITH. so as something that is not countable but is measurable, i can gauge how well i happen to be doing, by the amount of FAITH i detect in my minute to minute existence.
when i cam to recovery i was in the FAITHLESS state. i know that for a fact and i am certain that i am not just romanticizing that memory to create a hyperbole for contrast. all that i believed in, had to be verifiable with my own physical senses or scientific extensions of those senses. HIGHER POWER, GOD et al, were therefore moot points as those concepts were not verifiable or testable under rigorous scrutiny of the scientific method. since FAITH is often defined as belief in something without proof, it is easy to see, that i had none, FAITH that is. one might also say, that i cheat my way to FAITH even today. i, like the disciple Thomas, needed proof that a HIGHER POWER was working in my life, to start my journey into this confusing spiritual realm. the bromides about understanding the infinite and the plans that such an state may have for me, became way to much for me to even consider back in the day, and even today, that sort of thought train often gets derailed before it even leaves the station. this i do know:

• i survived active addiction
• i am clean today
• neither of those processes occurred from anything inside of me

with those two facts in hand, i NEED to find some sort of explanation, as is my wont as a human being. using the vast experience of something i quickly found my FAITH in, the fellowship that provides me this manner of living, i settled on the possibility that there was some sort of POWER beyond my ken, that could provide for me, what i could not or would not provide for myself. what i have been given is so much more than the power to stay clean, and that was all i finally wanted, once the bullsh!t that was me, was cleared off the table. i would like to say, that i was gently led to this state, but that was not the case, as there always seems to be zealots when it comes to this kind of journey. as passionate as i might be about my FAITH and my spiritual fitness, it is not my place to cram my spiritual experience down the throat of anyone else, hence i keep my limited understanding of my view of the spiritual realm, more less private. i do so, not because i ashamed of it, nor do i feel like it would not survive the scrutiny of others, i do so because it is mine and mine alone and needs not be part of the oh so public record, so to speak. i have found FAITH and my understanding changes as i grow, coming to FAITH was and is a process , rather than an event, although the process in and of itself is punctuated by several life-changing events. the first of those was the the moment that my desire was removed from me, and i could start my journey towards the freedom of active recovery.
returning to my original thought, maintaining my hard won FAITH is an activity that i do need to undertake today. that does not mean seeking more evidence of the POWER that fuels my recovery, nor does it mean sitting in a cave somewhere quietly meditating my life away. it does mean, integrating active contact with the spiritual realm through prayer, meditation and most importantly being present in the here and now. following through on that, i feel it is time to go out and get a workout under my belt, my desire to be physically fit, is a direct result of me becoming more spiritually fit through that tiny nugget of FAITH i grew all those days ago. it is after all a great day to be on this side of the dirt.

∞ DT ∞