Blog entry for:

not even on an easy installment plan. across the course of my life, i have been taught, by society and culture that more is better, especially more things, and that if i do not like how i am feeling to do something o change it, AND CHANGE IT RIGHT NOW. coming of age in the 70's, even though i made all the noises that i was not materialistic and non-conformist, the truth was myself and those i hung with, still had to have the brand name products that we bleached and battered into ancient appearance. we were no different, except in the fact that we tried so hard to APPEAR to be different than our parents, and those people we called sheep, who followed the crowd and bought whatever the ad man told them to. we were arrogant and full of ourselves but if you looked closely we wore chucks and levis.
as that was at the start of active addiction,. it is no wonder that as my addiction progressed, those attitudes became the proving ground for Dr FeelGood and his merry band of cohorts. i may never have played a doctor on TV but in my life i certainly did every day, diagnosing and treating what i saw was the source of my unhappiness, everything that was of this world and me not having enough of it.
early recovery? well the removal of my chemical bliss HAD TO BE REPLACED with something! after all, i still had all the problems i had at the start of active addiction, i still had all the same feelings and attitudes and worst of all, i still was at the same level of maturity as that 15 year old who got high that very first time at summer camp. the bonus part? well now that i was not spending my money on medicating my feelings away, i could spend it on buying my happiness, one toy and status symbol at a time, a true consumerist dream gone wild.
which brings me to the here and now. yes i like nice things. yes i like going on vacation and easting out and all the trappings of this consumerist, materialistic society that i am a happy and willing participant in. what i have come to realize is that things, no matter how shiny are no different to me than a fix. the joy of acquisition quickly fades and i am left with that empty feeling once again. using people, things, or activities, to provide me joy and emotional fulfillment is a losing battle and a zero sum game i play with the addict within. the only way i can alter that, is to look withing for the source of my emotional fulfillment. yes the world is full of things, events and people that can enhance that experience, BUT it is not their job to make me fulfilled and happy. it is my JOB to learn how to live my life as fully as possible, savoring what i have, experiencing rich and new events and putting it all into a perspective that is the tapestry of my life today. i have that ability, thanks to the people who were here when i got clean and provided me the direction my life has taken. life is without a doubt better for me, since coming to recovery, materialistically as well as spiritually, and today, right here and right now i can and will be grateful for all of that and more. the more? i have a path that will lead to fulfillment of my wildest dream, to become a fully realized, whole and genuine human being.
that dream is being fulfilled one day at a time and i am grateful that even when i backtrack and detour, that goal is still attainable. with that in mind it is time for me to hit the road and get working. i have lots to do this weekend, as i am going away next weekend with the woman i love, to a place we love, to spend time together.

∞ DT ∞