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i will seek my joy in service, in fellowship, in my Higher Power — i will seek within.
sometimes i wonder what people are thinking when they tell me something obvious. do they really believe that i am so oblivious as to what is going on, that i needed to be informed about something that i see everyday? or perhaps, and this is the path i choose to go down today, they believe they are doing a good deed and informing me of something, that was perhaps below the notice of my limited attention span. well, it is often said that no good deed goes unpunished…
back to the topic, finding joy within. i know when i came to to recovery, there was no joy within me., i could be ecstatic and yes even at times happy, but never joyful. the world was a gray and dank place, and i made it no better or livelier by walking through it. i could put a nice ribbon and sugar-coating on that last statement, but it was true and to diminish the impact by adding a qualifier does not build my self-esteem, nor does it help me to see where i am today. i know that pop psychology, teaches that in order to be okay with myself, i have to put a positive spin on everything and assume that the world is a good place and i DO have a vital role to play. the world is neither a good or bad place, it just is, and to tell myself anything different is part of the deception that i practiced in active addiction. whether or not i play a vital role in that place is irrelevant as well. my battered ego and self-image, has been repaired to the place where i no longer have to pretend that is true either. yes, i have an effect on the people in my life, good, bad indifferent, i affect how their lives go. that has always been the case, the only good thing about active addiction, was that as i withdrew from society in general, my effect on others, diminished as well. so i live in the real world, a world of all sorts of events and processes, most of which i have no power over and am seeking joy form sources outside of me. that was, at least, what i was taught to do by culture and society. the latest, greatest, shiniest and fastest, is just what i need, right now. is it any wonder that when the drugs were removed from my life, the credit card bills soared?
as i work to eliminate my consumer debt load, i also am working on myself, to find that i am a joyful soul and that another day on this side of the grass, is certainly as reason to seek joy from within. no spin there, just stating the facts. yes i can be mr. doom and gloom, and there is nothing wrong with that, after all the big brother NSA, is watching out for me and snooping on me to keep me safe and sound. they are also passing on any pertinent information the DEA, so i feel doubly secure that i am being served well by my oh so trustworthy government. see, i can spin a bit as well. the truth? well i am not happy about what my government spying on me, to keep me safe from threats that they never see coming anyways, regardless of how much ind=formation they snag. i can fret, wail and gnash my teeth, or i can accept and move on to realize that regardless of how much i find something distasteful, i do not have to let it taint my day with their filth. i can help others, be a person who smiles and be as courteous and polite as possible to those i come across in the course of my life today. in that manner of behaving, i can find joy, because i CHOOSE to live in that manner and am nut being forced to do so. yes it is time to get running to earn my daily keep and i will move forward, keeping in mind that just for today i can find the joy within and allow myself the freedom, to be at peace with that.

∞ DT ∞