{ i often wondered why did i always feel alone, even in a crowd }
Posted: Mon, Sep 5, 2011 09:17:13 AM
it was a great relief to learn i suffered from the disease of addiction. well not as much as a relief as i would have liked, as admitting that opened up an entirely new can of worms for me to eat. if addiction was a disease than why could it not be treated with a pill, like bipolar, depression or schizophrenia? that is where the going gets sticky and the argument rages. i could choose to step into that with full force, or as i do most of the time today, choose to ignore it all together.
the case for addiction being a disease had been getting far more evidence lately, and yes medical science is working on a pill to cure it. my question than comes down to, if someday there is a cure, will i take it? let me be perfectly clear here, when i walked into the rooms of this fellowship, i was beaten down and desperate, although i was unable to see or admit those facts at that time. that insight would elude me for at least another 18 months. for the first 7 of those 18 months i used when i could, slipping through the cracks in my monitoring schedule and living in the thrill and thrall of getting away with something, constantly pushing the boundaries to see how much i could really get away with on a daily basis. that behavior landed me in trouble again, BUT it took me from an observer and a poseur and forced me to become a real life participant in the program of recovery. even then, i only nibbled around the edges. sure i worked steps, did service and yes even sponsored some men, but i was barely in the rooms and plotting for the day the sword was lifted and i could return to my so-called real life. blaming a disease for my crazy behavior became second nature and the relief i felt every time i could say well after all i am just another addict, was quite freeing. all of sudden, what looked like a sh!tload of responsibility was instantly swept away with a single gesture → BLAME THE DISEASE!
time has passed and my 24 month plan never came to fruition, as here i sit many months after those first 24, still clean and still a participating member of the fellowship that has put me on this path. although i am not quite sold on the disease concept these days, as evidenced by statements like: “the part of me i call addiction,” i am certainly sold on the treatment process that i have been given. across the span of the one day at a times that comprise my recovery, i have been given a manner of living that has removed many of the confusing attitudes, behaviors, quirks and pure insanity, that i had saddled myself with, by the time i finally got clean. IF using drugs was the core of my disease, i could declare myself cured as it has been almost 14 years since i last used. the uncontrolled use of drugs was the major and most obvious symptom of the addiction process, the process, disease or physical condition that is actually addiction runs much deeper and is far more insidious. i willingly gave away my dreams, my desires, my happiness to feed that beast and in return i was relieved of all the insanity and all the feelings that consumed my every waking moment. the bliss of getting high, was more than worth it, in my sick and twisted world view and keeping the world at bay was a small price to pay.
today? well i vacillate on the whole disease concept, but i do know that the ONLY place i ever found people who understand me, happens to be in the rooms of recovery. they get me when i speak the insanity that consumes me from time to time. they empathize when i am feeling feelings so strong that the reawaken the desire to use them away. they provide me the support to continue this journey one more day and to see where i am going rather than dwell on where i have been. They give me the tools to live day in and day out as recovering addict and seek what i need from the POWER that fuels my recovery.
whether or not addiction is a disease or a collection of behaviors really is unimportant, what i have discovered is a manner of living that allows me to become the person i have always wanted to be, even though i never knew that i wanted to be anything more than constantly high and numbed to the reality of life in the real world. it is what it is and it is now time to go for a quick run around the neighborhood before getting some work done today. yes i am grateful to be clean today and to have the path before me so well explored by those who have been here long before i was ready to get clean and stay here. it is a great day to be alive and in possession of all my senses!
the case for addiction being a disease had been getting far more evidence lately, and yes medical science is working on a pill to cure it. my question than comes down to, if someday there is a cure, will i take it? let me be perfectly clear here, when i walked into the rooms of this fellowship, i was beaten down and desperate, although i was unable to see or admit those facts at that time. that insight would elude me for at least another 18 months. for the first 7 of those 18 months i used when i could, slipping through the cracks in my monitoring schedule and living in the thrill and thrall of getting away with something, constantly pushing the boundaries to see how much i could really get away with on a daily basis. that behavior landed me in trouble again, BUT it took me from an observer and a poseur and forced me to become a real life participant in the program of recovery. even then, i only nibbled around the edges. sure i worked steps, did service and yes even sponsored some men, but i was barely in the rooms and plotting for the day the sword was lifted and i could return to my so-called real life. blaming a disease for my crazy behavior became second nature and the relief i felt every time i could say well after all i am just another addict, was quite freeing. all of sudden, what looked like a sh!tload of responsibility was instantly swept away with a single gesture → BLAME THE DISEASE!
time has passed and my 24 month plan never came to fruition, as here i sit many months after those first 24, still clean and still a participating member of the fellowship that has put me on this path. although i am not quite sold on the disease concept these days, as evidenced by statements like: “the part of me i call addiction,” i am certainly sold on the treatment process that i have been given. across the span of the one day at a times that comprise my recovery, i have been given a manner of living that has removed many of the confusing attitudes, behaviors, quirks and pure insanity, that i had saddled myself with, by the time i finally got clean. IF using drugs was the core of my disease, i could declare myself cured as it has been almost 14 years since i last used. the uncontrolled use of drugs was the major and most obvious symptom of the addiction process, the process, disease or physical condition that is actually addiction runs much deeper and is far more insidious. i willingly gave away my dreams, my desires, my happiness to feed that beast and in return i was relieved of all the insanity and all the feelings that consumed my every waking moment. the bliss of getting high, was more than worth it, in my sick and twisted world view and keeping the world at bay was a small price to pay.
today? well i vacillate on the whole disease concept, but i do know that the ONLY place i ever found people who understand me, happens to be in the rooms of recovery. they get me when i speak the insanity that consumes me from time to time. they empathize when i am feeling feelings so strong that the reawaken the desire to use them away. they provide me the support to continue this journey one more day and to see where i am going rather than dwell on where i have been. They give me the tools to live day in and day out as recovering addict and seek what i need from the POWER that fuels my recovery.
whether or not addiction is a disease or a collection of behaviors really is unimportant, what i have discovered is a manner of living that allows me to become the person i have always wanted to be, even though i never knew that i wanted to be anything more than constantly high and numbed to the reality of life in the real world. it is what it is and it is now time to go for a quick run around the neighborhood before getting some work done today. yes i am grateful to be clean today and to have the path before me so well explored by those who have been here long before i was ready to get clean and stay here. it is a great day to be alive and in possession of all my senses!
∞ DT ∞