โ it was a great relief to learn i suffered from a disease โ
Posted: Tue, Sep 5, 2006 07:29:51 AM
a disease, can be treated and when treated, i begin to recover.
well back from the southernmost city in the continental united states and hopping to catch-up on what did not get done the two official work days that i missed. but all is well in my head this morning. much is going on and i am just beginning to realize what that really means for me. especially the difference today between a treatable disease and fatally defective person. although i would have never said it out loud in my active addiction, i had actually come to the conclusion that i had been born defective. although the outside appearances i struggled to maintain would at first glance not revealed that to the casual observer, more than one of my long-term friends told me that they just did not "get" me. and for quite that some time, that little statement was a source of great pride for me. after all if they did not get me, it meant that i was some sort of complex being beyond the comprehension of ordinary people. although each time i heard that little statement, i had a moment of doubt as to whether i really was complex or just beyond the reach of my friends and family members. and each of those moments of self-doubt began to add up to something more, no matter how much i tried to craft the illusion of being quite normal.
so when the events in my life brought me to my knees, i was quite relieved to hear this whole concept that i was not fatally flawed, i just suffered from a treatable condition and although the treatment required some effort on my part, i was not beyond HOPE. and over the days that i have been clean and actually working on my treatment i have discovered that i was actually just another addict for all those years and with the treatment i am becoming more that i ever was. i am becoming my own person and i can make decisions today based on what i want for my life and not just where my next fix is coming from. and i can be relied on and trusted by those with whom i associate today, a much better state than i was in those few short days ago.
well back from the southernmost city in the continental united states and hopping to catch-up on what did not get done the two official work days that i missed. but all is well in my head this morning. much is going on and i am just beginning to realize what that really means for me. especially the difference today between a treatable disease and fatally defective person. although i would have never said it out loud in my active addiction, i had actually come to the conclusion that i had been born defective. although the outside appearances i struggled to maintain would at first glance not revealed that to the casual observer, more than one of my long-term friends told me that they just did not "get" me. and for quite that some time, that little statement was a source of great pride for me. after all if they did not get me, it meant that i was some sort of complex being beyond the comprehension of ordinary people. although each time i heard that little statement, i had a moment of doubt as to whether i really was complex or just beyond the reach of my friends and family members. and each of those moments of self-doubt began to add up to something more, no matter how much i tried to craft the illusion of being quite normal.
so when the events in my life brought me to my knees, i was quite relieved to hear this whole concept that i was not fatally flawed, i just suffered from a treatable condition and although the treatment required some effort on my part, i was not beyond HOPE. and over the days that i have been clean and actually working on my treatment i have discovered that i was actually just another addict for all those years and with the treatment i am becoming more that i ever was. i am becoming my own person and i can make decisions today based on what i want for my life and not just where my next fix is coming from. and i can be relied on and trusted by those with whom i associate today, a much better state than i was in those few short days ago.
∞ DT ∞