Blog entry for:

of my problems. yes it was a relief to realize that i was an addict, as it was, as the reading stated, the answer to many of the issues that troubled me. when i learned that ADDICTION was the problem and not some morel deficiency, weakness of character or lack of willpower, i could finally breathe freely. now, i thought, i had the perfect scapegoat and i no longer had to take any responsibility for any of my deeds, behaviors and attitudes, after all, “i am only an addict.” boy was i ever upset to learn that the answer was also the curse, because now i had to decide whether or not i wanted to address my addiction or just cave in and continue to allow it to rule my life. there was more to this recovery gig than playing the victim to addiction. at sometime after that first realization sunk in, i had to make a conscious choice and even though everyone seems to say there is no “advance” recovery program, i would have to disagree, simply because IF this was all about just not using no matter what, why would i still be here after the few days i have accumulated?
perhaps as an alternative to that terribly black and white view of addiction and recovery, i could make a slight alteration that recovery does not begin until one starts to take responsibility for their actions and stop using the excuse of addiction to absolve themselves of all evil. for me, it was not the “addict inside,” or “my committee,” or “the voice of addiction,” that made the messes i needed to go back and clean-up, it was me and only me. when i take the idea that ADDICTION makes me do this or that, or is out to kill me, i finally get to own my present and look forward to what i can become, or am becoming. yes i am an addict, but i decide on each and every action i take. whether that decision is made consciously or unconsciously, with forethought or on impulse, it is me who makes them and me who has to bear the consequences, whether they arr to my liking or not.
so over the weekend, i got to visit what i think about several classes, if you will, of addicts in various stages of their lives. i saw what happens to someone when they are influenced by those in the post-recovery crowd. before you go running off with your hair on fire, i know that many in the program, after some time in recovery, are simply not addicts and really need not hang out pretending to be. i also know that i am not one of those fine folks, i see addiction all over the place and am grateful i have the means to counter it. what happens to someone, however, who may actually be an addict when they fall under the sway of someone who is not and has an axe to grind? well, what i saw this weekend was not pretty. when one complains about not “being” themselves, after using one thing or another, legal or not, one is most likely an addict and can benefit from the recovery program, as i do. for those who have moved beyond a recovery program, just like they allowed me the time to decide whether or not i was an addict, so i have to allow them the space to decide that they are not, or if they are, they are no longer in need of what a recovery program offers. could i have a beer or two and maybe a bit of spliff, every now again and not have my life fall apart? maybe. am i willing, however, to take that chance? no, not for today. today i am grateful to have an answer that does not rely on therapists, medications, pop-psychology and new-age self help rituals. there is nothing wrong with any of those avenues, i am however free from active addiction without having to pursue them.
so where does that put me? smack dab in the middle, i am not a victim of addiction, nor have i moved beyond my need to treat addiction with the tenets of a 12 STEP fellowship. i do not need to whine about addiction colors my life and how badly i want to change my feelings, as i accept them as part and parcel of the entire package. i GET to go to meetings, do a bit of service and be a part of something more today, because i admitted i was an addict and addiction makes my life unmanageable. recovery takes the path that makes my life manageable and just what is not, just may be, i am whole and not struggling with the pieces of who i may or may not be. addiction is me, just as altruism, empathy and ambition are as well. the lesson i am learning today is to let go of the past and try to learn to trust someone who is a known liar, thief and character assassin. what i keep getting hung up on, is once i start to move in that direction, i hear the lies, half-truths and spiritual camouflage popping out all over the place. what i think i am coming to see, is that i will need to learn to forgive and allow them to spring their own traps, it after all not my job to fix anyone, even myself (see above).
so long and thanks for all the fish!

∞ DT ∞