Blog entry for:

moral dilemma, not hopelessly bad and not totally batsh!t crazy, WHEW! although i defer from calling addiction a disease, most of the time, i have come around to using that term when i share. i have enough stuff that i can use to separate myself from my peers and the newest of the new and my language and how i describe the various common parts of the recovery program in which i am so comfortably ensconced, need not be part of that “differences.” when i first got clean, i did however, buy into the whole disease theory without question, as i certainly seeking some sort of explanation for ending up here. as time goes by and i stay clean day after day, the “why” and “how” of addiction and my uncontrollable drug use, becomes less and less important.
this morning as i sat and tried to quiet the very focused swirl of thoughts, what came through the chaff of distractions was a certain gratitude for having a common ground and language to use with my peers, friends and associates. the simple fact is, i am here in the rooms, because i could not go one day at all without using and using led me to behaviors that were unsavory, unethical and most of the time downright illegal. i skated through life with very few consequences for so long, i once considered myself invisible to law enforcement and invulnerable to getting caught, and twenty-two years ago, that little fantasy was exploded with extreme prejudice. the oddest part of all of that, using all the time, doing stuff i am less than proud of today and taking all i could from those around me, was that i saw nothing wrong and believed i was entitled to do so, as i was some sort of victim of life in all its glory.
when i got clean, i had a new power to blame my less than perfect life upon, ADDICTION. i was now a victim to my addiction and since it was a disease and not a moral dilemma, i could run with that notion. that line, “i don't know, i was really high at the time,” became my mantra and all my past sins could be swept under the rug of active addiction. taking any sort of responsibility was now deflected into the mantra of “what did you expect? i am, after all, just an addict!” i was off to the races and my actions in early recovery and the end of my active addiction certainly indicated that i was not going to change. ironically after eighteen months of being between two or more worlds, i finally accepted that addiction, mine specifically, could be treated, IF i made the decision to land in one place, instead of many. and here i sit today.
it is time, however, to wrap this up and head into the office. my life today, includes various responsibilities and hopefully what i want to happen, will occur of its own accord. there are actions i have to take, and oh yeah, today i am NOT a victim of addiction, i take responsibility for my recovery and my past. today i can be just another addict in recovery and know that the lie that i am not good enough, just as i am, is just that, an ancient tale of woe, i use to keep myself down.

∞ DT ∞