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Higher Power, please help me to learn from them!
quite honestly, i still hate to make mistakes, and when i happen to make one, i would more than ever, i would prefer to bury them so deep from the light of day, that no one would ever, ever see them. as is visible to all who are reading this, i am not as well as i purport to be! i am still concerned about how i look and what others think of me. so exactly what is the point, i might as well toss it all, and go out for one good use! the part of me i call addiction, certainly makes that sound rational, after all…
… that however is part and parcel of how not being honest with myself, sounds of so rational and practical and yes even spiritual at times. being honest is far more than how i interact in the world, despite what someone had to get in as the last word at the meeting last night. i know today, that i am more dishonest with myself than anyone else in the world, and the tricky part is, i lie to myself the same way i lied to the world, editing the truth to get the best effect. ironically, when i act on one of those lies, i am actually practicing humility as well as integrity, because i am doing the next right thing, based on bad information. which seems to be the nature of the sort of mistakes i am making lately.
i want the world to look a certain way, so i move people and events to help fit that vision, and the addict within tells me i am doing it for the good of mankind, or some other bullsh!t spin, to keep me from really looking at my behaviors and seeing what it is i am really doing. the mistake, is doing it again and again, to keep the spotlight off of me and my step work and focus it anywhere else. and that my friends is the nature of my addiction today. realizing that, i could make all sorts of promises and resolutions, but not keeping them would feed the beast and provide yet another arrow in the arsenal against myself. so i will end with this: i will make mistakes today, i will acknowledge them for what they are and so my best to learn what i need to learn from them.

∞ DT ∞