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what if i could just enjoy one **gummy** just to see if i still liked the feeling of getting high? for this addict, that sounds extremely insane, and yet there are times, especially lately, when that notion has flashed through my mind. an action and a justification in one swell foop. not that i am seriously entertaining that thought, but it does illustrate how the notion of insanity plays in my life today. ah, i hear y'all sigh, i thought that the reading today was about making mistakes and how one handles being totally human. well, i am getting there, through the doorway of my insanity.
once upon a time, i could rationalize and justify away any mistakes i might be caught making. in my head if no one saw me make a mistake, it never happened as i could always use my magical jazz-hands to cover it up or shift the blame. just as that mythical tree in the forest makes no sound if there is nothing there to perceive, so it was when i made a mistake. nothing to see here, move along.
i make plenty of mistakes, sometimes it feels as if i make more than my fair share. although it is a “kindness” to say that if i was not trying to do something new, different or challenging, i would not make any mistakes, the fact is that for this addict, most of my mistakes are stumbling down the rabbit-holes i clearly see and avoid, and yet choosing to just take a “peek.” what is new for me, is that even if i dip into insanity for a minute, i can forgive myself, admit i am human and still have a long way to go. sticking to this topic, however is not what i “heard” this morning, so now that i have the “yippy-skippy” stuff out of thew way, i can do a deep dive into a slightly different topic.
this morning as i took a peek down one of those rabbit-holes as i sat, what came out truly surprised me. as i have written about in the recent past, my identity has yet to be totally revealed to me, as it was based on a lie i carried forward as the TRUTH for nearly six decades. the notion that came form that spooky and dark place was that i already “know” who i am, all i need to do is let that person out and accept that what i see is exactly what i get. hating myself, suppressing my emotions and appearing to be what i am not, is far from “sane” behavior, but it is terribly familiar and habitual. looking at who i was is not a direction i want to continue to gaze. trying to predict who i will be, is not a good either. what came to me, was to be comfortable with this process, allow who i am to be revealed and stop listening to those echoes of self-doubt and recrimination. it all sound so simple, LET GO and LET GOD, and yet for me, nothing can ever be that simple, there has to be more to it. in fact i feel as if the first three steps are working me over, while i deal with the fallout of my FIFTH STEP and perhaps that is not a bad thing.
anyhow, all that aside, it ids a good day to get my act together and head out for a workout. becoming less of a physical being is quite a goal and for me less means more fit. less fat, less weight and more wind and stamina. after being stuck all morning yesterday, it is time to get the juices flowing and see what mistakes i can make and own as i walk through the day ahead.

∞ DT ∞