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i often regard them, at the very least, with frustration and impatience.
this morning, what this brought up for me, is the members who seemed to float away, and perhaps i made more than a few mistakes in what i did or did not. gratefully, i quickly realized that in that train of thought, i was ascribing to myself far more power than i actually ever had or will ever have. yes, i can and often do, influence someone to stay clean just one more day, but i have absolutely no power over whether they actually make that 12 inch journey from their head to their heart. mine took the better part of three years and it was FEAR of the consequences that drove it, not a whole lot of desire to stay clean. i wish i could spin that part of my story a bit better, but the truth is the truth and IF i want to be a force that helps another addict stay clean, one more day,m than i NEED to let them know that for me, this program works, despite my best efforts to disqualify myself.
it is also true that i eliminated the guilt and shame from my seed this morning. as a result of working an active program of recovery, my mistakes do not necessarily cause me to feel guilty, unless of course, it is something that i should feel guilty for doing. the program has also taught me that shame is counter-productive to my growth, and if i address the actions, thoughts or situations that i feel guilt over, i need not use guilt to batter myself about my spiritual head and shoulders, anymore. for me, that is what shame is all about, beating myself up, rather than allowing myself to be free and live. life in recovery need not be a constant set of “i am not worthy” or “i am so freakin' sorry.” for me, and once again let me be very clear about this, i understand how much power i do have and it is only my amazingly expanded ego that tells me i have any more. i cannot get someone clean, nor can i keep someone clean. i never know what will trip the switch onto full active recovery mode.i know for me, it was a vivid demonstration of how powerless i was, in situations where i could have used and actually got away with it. in that moment i realized where addiction had taken me, and where i could go. it was not the using that drove that fear, it was all about “getting away with it.” the thrill of looking good and still enjoying the fruits of regular bouts of getting high, in one way or another. ah the bad old days. from that mistake, sprung my commitment to be a member and do something in the here and now about my recovery and here i still sit today. speaking of commitments, i better get rolling down the road to mine.
It is a great day to be clean and even a better day to live with the fact that my mistakes today need not be the ones that take me out, after all i do get better when i do not use.

∞ DT ∞