♥ i take some time at the end of the day to listen to what i ♥
Posted: Sat, May 19, 2012 08:24:36 AM
IS standing between me and the POWER that fuels my recovery.
what a great way to start this particular day, writing about the manner in which i do my TENTH STEP, or at least part of my STEP 10. anyhow, now that i have noodled around with language for just a bit, what i feel is blocking me form realizing that will, at least in general, is my FEAR of what change will mean to my life. the past two days, have been some the deepest and longest meditation sessions of my recovery career, including those that comprise my TENTH STEP. i know that especially when i am on vacation that kind of stuff happens and when it does it is amazing and even a bit spooky. still, it kind of sucks that it had to be vacation and not just hanging at mi casa that brought about, this particular piece of personal growth. honestly it really SUCKS! what does not suck, however, is the calm and peace i am getting just being here, back where it all started, and feeling like this is exactly the right place to be. that all of the changes in my life over the past year or so, was bringing me her for whatever reason. it sorts of feels like the tape is rewinding and i may finally be getting that do-over of my life that i always fantasized about, even before that very first time i used and tripped the trigger into addiction. IT IS NOTHING like what i thought it would be. instead of requiring, fame, power, beauty and wealth to be the person i have always wanted to be. i get self-assurance, love and enough material resources to be comfortable. i get to be a part of something big, in the lives of those i love. i GET to be present and walk through the garbage that can make up each day of my human existence and seek the hidden gems, that may be under all of the crap that has accumulated as part of living life in the REAL world.
so far, this vacation has been one of the best ones i have ever taken, and although i once was part of this urban culture, it feels so brand fVcking new to me, and quite exciting. i could look deeper, analyze the crap out of it and spoil it for myself, OR i can just let go and enjoy the ride, which feels more like the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. soon enough i will be jetting back to work and my life in Colorado. today? bike rides, more sights, more chilling with the Kathy and her family and another adventure or two on the Metro, and who know maybe a run!
so time to sign-off and get ready for day two of this very fine DC adventure.
what a great way to start this particular day, writing about the manner in which i do my TENTH STEP, or at least part of my STEP 10. anyhow, now that i have noodled around with language for just a bit, what i feel is blocking me form realizing that will, at least in general, is my FEAR of what change will mean to my life. the past two days, have been some the deepest and longest meditation sessions of my recovery career, including those that comprise my TENTH STEP. i know that especially when i am on vacation that kind of stuff happens and when it does it is amazing and even a bit spooky. still, it kind of sucks that it had to be vacation and not just hanging at mi casa that brought about, this particular piece of personal growth. honestly it really SUCKS! what does not suck, however, is the calm and peace i am getting just being here, back where it all started, and feeling like this is exactly the right place to be. that all of the changes in my life over the past year or so, was bringing me her for whatever reason. it sorts of feels like the tape is rewinding and i may finally be getting that do-over of my life that i always fantasized about, even before that very first time i used and tripped the trigger into addiction. IT IS NOTHING like what i thought it would be. instead of requiring, fame, power, beauty and wealth to be the person i have always wanted to be. i get self-assurance, love and enough material resources to be comfortable. i get to be a part of something big, in the lives of those i love. i GET to be present and walk through the garbage that can make up each day of my human existence and seek the hidden gems, that may be under all of the crap that has accumulated as part of living life in the REAL world.
so far, this vacation has been one of the best ones i have ever taken, and although i once was part of this urban culture, it feels so brand fVcking new to me, and quite exciting. i could look deeper, analyze the crap out of it and spoil it for myself, OR i can just let go and enjoy the ride, which feels more like the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. soon enough i will be jetting back to work and my life in Colorado. today? bike rides, more sights, more chilling with the Kathy and her family and another adventure or two on the Metro, and who know maybe a run!
so time to sign-off and get ready for day two of this very fine DC adventure.
∞ DT ∞